Resurrection Day

So, this Resurrection Day wasn't exactly how I envisioned it would be 6 weeks ago.  At that time, I had picked out an adorable little sailor dress, a sweet little navy/white argyle sweater vest and had even figured out what Thomas and I would have worn.  I couldn't wait to get pictures as a family of 4 made at church.  I couldn't wait to make a PINK Easter Bucket.  Alas, it just wasn't in God's plan for that to happen.  However, the Lord was faithful to us throughout the holiday, as He always is, and allowed us not just to make it through, but actually enjoy celebrating His resurrection.  We still colored eggs, we still ate chocolate bunnies and searched for a pocket-change filled prize egg.  We still sang His praises and worshipped with our wonderful church family, thankful for the meaning of the day.  Only a few times did the pang of anger and resentment and pain crop up.  And, when it did, the Lord would inevitably send our dirty little boy running up to us with an ear-to-ear smile (that we've been missing) showing us an egg he found, or bringing me a "flower" from the back yard!  He surrounded us with family and friends who have been instrumental in supporting and encouraging us and gave us the re-birth we've been needing!  We've even been given another ministry opportunity that we are SO excited about...because we can see God's hand at work!  No, we are not opening our home to another child, but we are still hoping to help change a family tree for God's glory in the coming weeks and months! 

As we begin to move on with our lives, I catch myself wondering often about Marie.  Where is she?  What is she doing?  Is she happy?  Does her new family remember that she's allergic to red dye?  Are they careful about that?  Does she cry for me at night?  Does she still hear about Jesus?  Will she ever know how I love her?  I beg Jesus to protect her and keep her in His hands.  I beg him to bring her back to us someday.  And, we continue to clear our lives of reminders that there was once a perfect little girl living with us.  We've sold pretty much everything in her room.  The only thing still hanging is the first thing I hung after we painted.  It's a beautiful turquoise cross that says "It is Well With my Soul."  I wanted to teach HER what that meant - instead, God is teaching me what it really means. 

When Peace Like a River Attendeth My Way
When Sorrows Like Sea Billows Roll
Whatever My Lot, Thou Hast Taught me to Say
It is Well, It is Well with my Soul. 

It's true - we're in pain, we struggle, we get angry; but, God is there and it is well with my soul.  And, the peace does come in waves...just when it's needed...and washes over just like a river, cleansing and giving me breath just when I think I've run out!  And, God continues to help Malachi.  This holiday weekend was so good for our little family of 3.  Good time together, participating in long-standing traditions we've made with him...normalcy.  That's what we needed - and we've seen a huge improvement in his heart and emotions!  We celebrated a "re-birth" of sorts of our own hearts and family right along with celebrating the Reason we have life to begin with!  Now, we keep moving forward marking the firsts we won't have with her...thankful for the fifths and tenths we have with him and praying that one day we might get to celebrate a first again! 

 

Now what?

I don't even know where to start this post.  I'm all over the place mentally and emotionally and, if you've been reading my blog for any amount of time, you know that writing is how I process.  I've been contemplating how to start this blog and have deleted and restarted no less than 5 times.  This time, I'm hoping to just "go with it" and see if I can get out where we've been and where we are.

Last June, we were approached about possibly attending youth camp with our youth group at the church.  We prayed about it for about...oh, point 5 seconds...and knew immediately this was something the Lord was calling us to do!  Camp was 2 weeks later...so, without knowing any of the 40+ kids very well at all, we boarded a charter bus at 4 am on a Monday morning and set out on a journey that began a series of events that we can only describe as being Divinely appointed.  Over the week we began to really get to know most of the junior high and high school aged kids and fell in love with most of them...I kid...we fell in love with EVERY ONE of them!  When we returned from church camp a week later, we were different people and couldn't wait to start working with them on a more regular basis! 

Then, a few weeks later, we had a "girl talk" at church with the girls in the youth group and I was asked if I would be willing to lead a short devotional.  The Lord immediately laid on my heart to teach the girls about waiting on the Lord.  Probably the longest wait we've had is our wait to have another child in our arms.  I shared with them our journey of secondary infertility and the heartache we've faced.  I used illustrations of Sarah and Abraham waiting...Rachel waiting...and tried to explain that even though those women were waiting on the Lord...they had faith and God sustained and answered their prayers.  Truthfully...I was trying to convince myself just as much as I was trying to teach them!  At the end of that lesson, I told the girls they could ask me any questions they had and that no question was off-limits.  ;o)  There were the typical questions about mine and Thomas' relationship and when we started dating...chocolate or vanilla, etc!  But then, one extraordinary young lady asked if we would ever consider adoption.  I'll be honest - EVERY OTHER TIME I'd been asked that question, I answered quickly, "No, we have a biological child and I don't know if I could love another woman's child like I love my Malachi."  However, this time, something was different.  I felt the Holy Spirit leading me down a path I'd never considered before.  My immediate answer was different than it had ever been.  "I haven't considered it to this point because I don't know if I can love another child like I love Malachi."  (And this is where it changed)  "...BUT, God gave me the love I have for my son, I didn't create that.  So, if the Lord chooses to give me a child that's not biologically mine, I trust that He'll supply the love I need for that child."  That was a life-changing moment that I'm not sure I'll ever forget.  I cried...some of the girls cried...Thomas cried when I shared it with him later.  And, immediately, we began praying a different prayer.  I prayed that if the Lord wanted to give us a child that isn't biologically ours to love and raise, that He would make it clear and create in us the capacity to love that child.

Fast forward 4 days to the next Wednesday when a beautiful little girl named Marie was introduced to us.  I'm not going to share details, but suffice it to say that the Lord was working in a mighty way.  That was August.  Then, on October 29th, after much prayer, consideration and countless lives involved, Marie came to live with us. 

 

We were taking care of this precious angel not as foster parents...but in a similar situation.  We immediately transformed our office into her bedroom and were ecstatic to love on her!  

 

 

We were able to keep her until one month ago.  But for 4 months that baby girl touched our lives.  We tried to love her the best we could and give her an incredible home.  But it was not in God's plan for us to keep her.  When asked what we would do if we lost her, we always answered that our plan was just to show her love and that hopefully she would be able to remember something from her time with us.  We never dreamed we would lose her as quickly as we did...we poured ourselves into her.  She grew so much in the time we had her and we pray that we showed her Jesus.  The last 4 weeks have been spent grieving and trying to regain a sense of normalcy for Malachi's sake.  His little world has been turned upside down too.  Most days are ok...but there are times, like right now, that I find myself begging God to please take care of her and draw her to Him.  I was reminded last week that God loves her more than we ever could have.  I can't fathom the depth of love He has for her...and that sustains me. 

So now what?  Now, I guess we just try to move forward the best we can...with the gaping hole in our hearts.  There are no words to describe that hole.  She was an answer to our prayers.  We prayed that the Lord would send us a blond hair, blue eyed baby girl.  He did.  Not how we envisioned it, but He did answer.  Now we face more waiting.  I keep trying to tell God I'm patient...I'm faithful...I believe.  Yet, He has us waiting again.  He is growing us...He has grown our faith tremendously...He has spoken almost audibly to us at points in this journey and those are experiences which I wouldn't trade for ANYTHING!  We don't know why God has chosen us to walk this particular journey...but we haven't asked why either.  Malachi reminded us that he still wants a baby sister (he calls her by her name...yes, we've picked out her name).  I reminded him that we can start that prayer again, although I must admit, that prayer has been difficult.  I don't know if we are supposed to be content with being a one child family.  My heart still wants that baby girl we've been praying for.  This time, though, instead of just praying that we can have her, we'll pray that we can keep her. 

Sometimes I wonder why the Lord has chosen give us and take away 3 children now.  And, to further exacerbate the situation, our church family has faced great infant loss in the last 6 months.  I truly believe that the Devil doesn't want the women I know to have babies.  Satan knows good and well that the children that have been lost recently (mostly miscarriages) would've been raised in godly homes.  He knows that his demise is coming and he doesn't want the Lord's army growing any more and making his fight any harder.  Although, we as saved children of the Lord know that the war has already been won and Satan has already been defeated.  After all...isn't that what we're getting ready to celebrate? 

 

Please join us in praying not only for our family, but for continued prayers for our sweet Marie.  She touched our hearts so tremendously in the short time we had her and we will forever miss her.  I pray that the Lord works it out for us to know her later in life.  I pray that He watches over her and keeps her close to Him.  I pray that He protects her heart and allows her to stay with the family she's with now FOREVER.  I pray for that family to be a good Christian family that WANTS her and that her little heart will heal from the events of the last year.  I pray that Malachi will know how much we adore him and that we can be the parents God has chosen us to be.  I pray that the Lord will answer our prayers again...and that we will acknowledge Him in all our ways so He can direct our paths.  He never said our paths would be made straight...just that He would direct them and walk them WITH us.  Nothing about our journey has been straightforward.  It has been wrought with perilous turns and twists and drop-offs and mountains.  But through it all...God has been right there sustaining us.  I pray we won't forget what it feels like to FEEL the Lord lifting us up and protecting us.  I pray we won't forget the myriad prayer warriors who have been walking this journey with us.  I pray God blesses them for their faithfulness and for being the hands to hug and shoulders to bear our burdens as brothers and sisters in Christ! 

Most of all - I thank God for the victories and trials we've faced.  Each experience that the Devil has meant for harm, God has meant for good.  Had we never walked through the fire, we may never have known the depth of God's love and protection.  We may never have truly learned the lessons that God has taught us.  And, if that's the only good that comes from this - that's enough to sustain me for the rest of my life.  I want to be like Paul and Silas - I want to sing praises to my Jesus in the midst of my most terrible circumstances so that I can lead others to Him!

 

 



 

My thoughts - take them or leave them!

I’ve been mulling a blog post for a while now and even posted one for about 24 hours and took it down a while back.  The Lord is working in our lives in such a tremendous way right now doing things that I never thought possible.  But, for our family’s sake, we feel it best to keep those cards close to the vest for a while!  What I will share is that we have a beautiful little girl who came to live with us on October 29^th and with whom we have completely fallen in love!  She is perfectly suited to our family and we are so thankful to have her, for however long we may get to keep her! 

 But, that’s not what today’s post is about.  The last post you see when you scroll down was written after a tragedy occurred in our small town.  Writing is cathartic for me…it helps me to get everything out and down on paper.  Lots of times I write random e-mails never putting someone in the “to” line…just to get it out.  (Tell me I’m not the only one, please!)  I’m sitting here now, hoping that writing will help me process and figure out what’s going on.

Of course, this time the trigger for my need to write was prompted by another display of the Evil with which our world is inundated.  Last Friday the world was once again reminded that when Evil is left unchecked, it will devour, just as 1 Peter 5:8 says it will.  Almost immediately, as is human nature, people were asking two questions:

1.       Why did this happen?
2.       How do we prevent it from happening again?

I submit that there is one reason and one reason alone that this happened.  And, unfortunately, it’s not a shock to me why it happened.  It happened because man is fallible.  It happened because man is sinful.  It happened because man is not inherently good.  No, in fact, I believe it to be the opposite.  Man is inherently evil and is born with a sin nature.  There are two individuals who were not created with sin nature and by one of their actions, sin entered this world.  (Romans 5:12)  I caution you not to read that statement and assume that I’m saying all men would act on this evil nature.  But, what I am saying is that but for God’s grace, we ALL are capable of such destruction.   1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that any temptation you have ever had is common to ALL men.  So if the Bible says that all temptations I’ve ever had are common to all men, doesn’t it stand to reason that the same logic could be applied in the reverse…that all temptation any other man has ever felt is common to my nature as well? 

So why do some act on that temptation and others don’t?  Darkness – that’s all I can figure.  All the psychiatrists and drugs in the world cannot overcome true Darkness.  Darkness cannot be measured on a scale.  It cannot be “treated” out of a person.  Sure, it can be stayed.  It can be mitigated to a point.  But we are foolish to believe that our worldly efforts can drive out Satan and His desire to steal, kill and destroy.  Our pastor addressed it this way and it was eye opening to me.  We push God out of our lives, out of our society because of our fleshly desires to partake in “misdemeanor” sins.  We (and yes, I am using the word WE…including myself here) desire to act on fleshly impulses and enjoy sin for a season.  That is our nature.  We push God aside making excuses and justifying our actions vowing to make time for God tomorrow.  Then, we ask God, “where were you?” when we commit those sins that WE would consider to be felonies.  I am not of the opinion that this was planned, sent or sanctioned by God – and the discussion of why bad things happen to ‘good’ people is not something I wish to give my opinion on right now.  However, if we wish to blame anyone, let’s blame the author of confusion.  Let’s blame the one who Isaiah describes as weakening the nations.  (Isaiah 14:12)  Sure, we can try to blame upbringing.  We can try to blame mental illness.  We can try to blame any number of issues – all of which may have real merit!  Ultimately, though, NONE of this is God’s plan or desire for our life.  There is one who takes delight in evil and who uses His power to confuse and confound and tempt.  The sin, as my pastor stated, will take you farther than you want to go, keep you longer than you want to stay and cost you more than you want to pay. 

As there is one reason this happened – there is only One Way to make sure it won’t happen again.  Jesus said I am THE WAY.  (John 14:6)  And yes, I know that He was talking about being the only way to get to Heaven.  I know I’m using that in an unusual context.  But if we think for one minute that any of our worldly actions (better psychiatrists, more drugs, more locks on doors, gun control) will get us out of this mess and prevent another tragedy from happening then we are sadly mistaken.  Just as 1 Corinthians 10:13 tells us that temptation is common to all men, it ALSO states that God is faithful and that He will not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able, but that He will make a way to escape.  He has provided us that Way, that Truth and that Life.  A few months ago, when teaching a bunch of 1^st-3^rd graders, our lesson focused on Ephesians 6 and the armour of God.  I taught the children the lesson and tried to make it interesting by really focusing when it says to stand against the WILES of the Devil.  (Picture me making myself look like a fool when discussing the WIIIILLLLLEEESSSS of the Devil)  The chapter continues saying “Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day.”  What is the armour of God?  It is armour God gives us to protect not against principalities and powers, but against the “rulers of darkness in this world.”  It is the breastplate of righteousness and the sword of the Spirit.  (The Bible)  Until we (collective) humble ourselves at the feet of the Almighty begging His forgiveness and inviting Him back into our lives, we can’t prevent Satan from having His way.  Matthew 16:18 says that only a life built upon a Rock can prevail against the gates of Hell. 

To whom is that Rock offered as a foundation?  There’s one simple answer for that.  “For God so loved THE WORLD that He gave His Only Begotten Son that WHOSOEVER believeth in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.”  John 3:16 – I don’t see any restrictions on that, do you?  We are all sinful.  (Romans 5:12)  The wages of sin is death – eternal separation from God.  (Romans 6:23)  Jesus’ blood is the only payment for sin.  (1 John 9:17 and Hebrews 9:22)  All we have to do is accept that He died for our sins and accept His sacrifice as full and final payment for those sins.  Please visit http://ardenroadbaptist.com/salvation1.html for a more thorough and much better thought-out response than I’ve provided here!  Or – call me!

And, lest ye think I am coming from a “high and mighty” place, I would like to once again emphasize that all throughout this I’ve used the word “WE” – I am a sinner.  I am capable of the most heinous sin.  I sin every day.  But, I am forgiven – Jesus lives in my heart and by the Grace of God Himself – I have found the escape route offered!

Paralyzed

Paralyzed is how I'm feeling today.  Numb from raw emotions still gnawing and swirling in my heart and in my head.  I've heard people say that coming face-to-face with your own mortality will shake you to your core, but I've never understood that...until now. 

Tuesday morning, I received a phone call that absolutely rocked my world.  My sweet husband called me and started a story about two of our classmates, but was fumbling through his story and stumbling on his words, trying to relay to me the awful news that one of them had been tragically murdered the night before.  I knew something awful must have happened by the tone and pace of Thomas' speech, but never in a million years did I expect to hear that a good man had been murdered while protecting his home and family.  And, not only is that tragic, but the fact that he left behind a beautiful wife and two adorable little boys brought me literally to my knees, in my office, in broad daylight.  All I could say was "Oh my gosh...Oh my gosh" over and over and over again.  So, I did the best thing I knew to do and prayed for peace, for strength and for comfort from the Only One who can adequately address those needs in such a terrible situation.

Then, today, I attended the funeral of that man with my husband and was absolutely shaken to my innermost being.  The man that died and his sweet wife have a story which could've been taken from the story of my life with Thomas.  High school sweethearts who fell in love younger than most would think possible, who stayed in love until the very end and who had beautiful children together.  Even the stories told today were the same as ours.  Just switch the names and put our faces where theirs are in prom pictures and football game victory photos.  We have the same memories from the same time.  But oh, how 11 years later can make such a difference.  I get to go home to my husband and my little boy tonight, sleeping next to the love of my life, feeling his warmth and loving embrace.  She...does not. 

To say that it's not fair would be, in essence, questioning God's plan which I hope I never do.  However, I can't, for all the life I have in me, wrap my head around it.  I can't imagine, and am terrified when I try, what it would be like if her experience now was to be replaced with my face and my name like so many of our other experiences could be.  I have a husband who has worked to organize our life, provided for Malachi and I not only for the here and now, but for the "just in case" as well.  And while that's all responsible and gives me so so much comfort and peace, all the preparation in the world cannot replace a hug, a kiss, an embrace or just "being."  The depth of my heartache cannot possibly be adequately described, nor can the depth of my prayer for peace and comfort. 

I do know that God is in control, just as He is in every other situation and that when He says it's time, that's it.  There's no arguing, there's no fighting it.  You better be ready.  Your loved ones better know deep in their souls how much you love them.  You better have lived a life of obedience to God, one that will leave a lasting and eternal testimony.  And, you better make sure that you have given your heart over to Christ and asked Him to come in and save your soul.  Because, you never know when that midnight call will come from Christ that it's time to go.  Will you go Home with Him when He calls?

Part II

So where I left off, Thomas and I were driving into Burbank to pick up my mom, dad, Malachi and Kadi Jo. We arrived Tuesday afternoon and picked them up at the airport to head straight to Lancaster for that evening's baccalaureate services! The kids were fantastic on the trip and received many compliments from other passengers on both of their flights!  The next morning, my mom, Dad and Logan all got up and went off to Commencement while Kadi Jo, Malachi, Thomas and I took our time and headed to Downtown Disney for lunch!  It's an outdoor mall right outside Disneyland and when we found out there was a Rainforest Cafe there, we knew we had to take the kiddos for lunch!!

Here's my handsome big and little man getting ready to walk around and head to lunch!

Kadi Jo and Malachi at the entrance to Downtown Disney!!

Rainforest Cafe - which Malachi was NOT a fan of!!!  Those moving animals freaked him out a bit!

Buzz and Woody!!!

Because they were both so stinkin' adorable in their new mouse ears...they needed ice cream!  (We may or may not have washed off in one of the fountains afterwards!)

We headed to our hotel around 3:00 and met up with Lolli, Pop and Logan to head to Huntington Beach!!  It was a little overcast and chilly, but the kids had SO much fun!!!

That water was COLD!!  Lolli playing with the kiddos!

Lolli, Pop, Malachi and Kadi Jo!

My parents watched the kiddos for a little while so Thomas and I could go for a sunset walk along the beach!  It was so nice!!

Malachi finally bundled up after all the playing in that cold Pacific water!

We still have sand in our car after that adventure!  haha  But, it was a blast and the kiddos had SO much fun splashing around and building sand castles!!  We got back to the hotel, shoved some food down our throats and slept that night in preparation for our next, and the most amazing adventure, DISNEYLAND!!!

What happens in...

VEGAS!  Last week, Thomas and I had the opportunity to spend some fantastic time just the two of us on the first leg of our 2012 Vacation Extravaganza!!  We were headed out there because my little brother has completed his one year Bible Certification at West Cost Baptist College in Lancaster, CA and we wanted to be there to celebrate with him and drive him back here for the summer!  So, we drove out on Sunday to Las Vegas and spent Sunday night, all day Monday and Monday night there before heading into CA to the airport pick up my parents, Malachi and our "niece" Kadi Jo for the rest of the week!  Because I took approximately 260 pictures, I'll just post about the first leg of our vacation...Las Vegas!  We had been warned about the nature of "Sin City" and knew (we thought) what to expect.  But even still, it was more than we were comfortable with.  Suffice it to say that from the hours of 8:00a.m. to 4:00p.m., it was a lovely place.  After that, had we not had a reason to be out (to see the Phantom of the Opera), we probably would have holed up in our hotel room!  Definitely not our speed and way more in your face than we ever expected!  We had our fill and it will be a good long while before we go back...if ever!  (I'd be happy to explain exactly why if you're interested...just shoot me an e-mail!)  However, as I said, we are very thankful for the time we had together and genuinely had a good time looking through all of the hotels and seeing the sights!

As I said, we left Sunday morning around 5:00a.m. to head out and drove the whole way to Las Vegas...which landed us there around 5:00p.m. their time! THIS is what my bed looked like on Saturday night!  Not only did we have to pack for ourselves for a week, but we had to pack Malachi for Saturday night, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday for staying with Lolli and Pop.  Then, we had to pack his bag for the time he would be with us, from Tuesday afternoon through Saturday night!  So, yes, it was a little chaotic getting everything together!  I'm happy to report, though, that I only forgot my razor and picked one up at the Walgreens near our hotel in Vegas! 

Our first major stop prior to Vegas was the Hoover Dam and we are SO glad we did! It is absolutely amazing to me that such an amazing marvel was constructed from 1931-1936 without the major machinery and technology we have at our hands today! Over 100 men died in its construction (though none are buried in the concrete as is rumored) and cost $49 Million to build in 1931 dollars! Since September 11, you can no longer travel between Arizona and Nevada on the dam. A new bridge has been built apart from it for security reasons and that's the bridge you'll see pictured!

The Dam itself!  The white area along the bottom of the rocks on the right side of the picture shows how low Lake Mead's levels are right now because of the extreme drought situation! 

My hunky hubby and I in front of the dam!  (For the record...although I LOVE rollercoasters...I did NOT love being this high!) 

How high were we you may ask?  THIS high!  This picture was taken from the dam itself as we drove across and prepared to turn around!

Finally, we arrived in Las Vegas and, after a brief respite to clean up and change clothes, we headed out for our first night!  From our room we could see the Eiffel Tower of the Paris Hotel!  (This picture was taken at street level)

Here I am waiting to utilize the public transportation system to get to breakfast on Monday!  (Eating on strip is RIDICULOUSLY expensive...so we headed down to Main Street for a $6.99 buffet!)

My sweet hubby standing in front of the New York skyline!  I just LOVE the juxtaposition of the New York sights with the palm trees!

This was a beautiful indoor garden area in one of the hotels!  I think it might have been the Palazzo?

Of course - no trip to Las Vegas would be complete without a trip to M&M world!! 

Thomas eating at the Cheesecake Factory before we went to see...

The Phantom of the Opera!  Now THAT was incredible!  An amazing experience and one we're SO glad we splurged on! 

The next morning, before leaving for California, we headed over to the Pawn Shop made famous on  History Channel's "Pawn Stars!"  Behind me you'll see a "WT" brand from West Texas State University (now WTAMU) that was pawned a few years ago by some WT professors!  I attended there for 2.5 years before we went to Texas Tech!

And here's my husband in the signature "Pawn Stars" pose!

And, while we were sad to see our time together end, NOTHING could prepare us for leg two of our journey...Huntington Beach and DISNEYLAND!!!

To Be Continued...