We have a WHAT?

We have an 8 month old baby...that's right.  We just celebrated our 14th anniversary and my husband's 36th birthday, and we have an 8 month old.  And no, we still can't believe it. 

The last 8 months have just flown.  I know it goes fast...this is not my first rodeo.  But, 8 months?  It seems like just yesterday we were in disbelief that we were pregnant.  Now, here he is...all 20 pounds of him.  Gideon Matthias has been an absolute joy.  He is one of the happiest babies, most of the time.  The only time he's been sick has been ear infection related, and although that wasn't fun by ANY stretch, it's easily treated!  We've definitely gotten through the hardest part of infancy relatively unscathed!  He's in 12-18 month clothes and is OH SO CLOSE to crawling.  The only problem is that he lives with 4 adults and 2 older siblings who just really don't enjoy listening to him fuss because he wants to get somewhere.  So, his fussing is pretty short lived and Malachi and Marie typically just give him what he wants!  Yes, I'm totally falling into the trap of "this is my last" and probably not working as hard as I should at getting him to be mobile...but I won't apologize for it!  At his 6 month checkup, I asked our wonderful pediatrician about him sleeping through the night and, through a smile (and I'm pretty sure I heard a giggle), he encouraged me that about 3 months prior he was okay!  I felt so dumb!!  Malachi was NOT a big baby, and Gideon IS...so I had no idea whether or not he NEEDED those calories!  2 hard nights and he is sleeping perfectly now!!  He's in our room with us - not ideal, but it is what it is - so when he wakes up, we have to just be still and quiet and he'll generally put himself back to sleep!  He's got 2 teeth now and is eating some table food.  He's a GREAT eater (obvs) and is the center of our family's world at the moment!  Such a blessing and a joy to have him in our life!

Malachi is doing wonderfully well!!  He's growing up right before my eyes.  He's only a couple inches shorter than me and is a tremendous big brother.  We've got some maturing left to do, for sure, and that hasn't come without pain.  But, I get nothing but compliments on his attitude at church.  He's finished 4th grade and will be starting 5th grade in the fall!!  This year he has mastered multiplication and is doing great with long division.  He'll be starting fractions in math next year...EEEEEEKKKK.  (This is where mama gets nervous about homeschooling!)  He's also doing perfectly with his cursive skills and has pretty well figured out simple parts of speech!  A couple months ago we began piano lessons with our awesome music minister and he's really picking it up quickly.  He's always had a knack for music, but he's really talented.  I can't wait to see where this takes him!

Selah Marie is just a joy.  She is the easiest child most of the time.  And when it's not easy, it's still not hard.  She is ALWAYS willing to help, to be there, to do whatever she can for me.  She always asks what she can do.  She is the most fun to watch with Gideon and loves to make him laugh!!  In most ways, she's an 18 year old young lady trapped in an 8 year old's body.  She has more compassion and love in her little finger than most do in their whole body!  This year she really picked up (and caught up for the most part) on her reading, which is a huge triumph!  She excels at most things in math, it just takes her a bit more time to pick up on it.  But, once she does, she's off!  Her cursive is beautiful and she is incredibly artistically talented.  (um...help please!) 

Both of the older 2 are going to church camp at the end of July with their sweet cousin, Kadi Jo and about 40 other juniors from our church!!  A couple brave families are going with the juniors and I'm so thankful for their willingness.  You know who you are and we thank you!!  Because two of the three will be out of town, my parents have agreed to watch Gideon for 4 days and allow Thomas and I to go away.  Interestingly, we are going to be vacationing about 45 minutes away from the junior camp.  We're considering crashing one night, but I think we're just going to concentrate on the two of us those days!  We can't wait to spend some time catching up and eating dinner together...like, at the same time! We have a tremendous amount of help - more than most for sure!  I mean, we live with my parents...so we couldn't really have it any easier!  But, it's still life with an 8 month old, ya know? 

This year we celebrate 20  years of being "together" and have been reflecting a lot about where God has taken us throughout the last 20 years!  We've learned so many hard lessons...we've loved, we've struggled, we've forgiven, we've worked, we've laughed, we've cried, we've mourned, we've rejoiced.  Through it all (most of it, anyway), we've tried to follow the Lord and we know He's the Giver of all good things!

In a week, we'll be hosting the teen girls from our church at our home for a game night and I've been asked to give a devotion.  5 years ago, I spoke to the teen girls on waiting for the Lord.  We had one child.  Now, I'm on the other side of that wait, and my 8 year old daughter just walked past my door and waved at me and my 8 month old is being rocked to sleep in our nursery.  I can't wait to delve into my Bible and put into words everything my God has done for me! 

Perfect Peace

So, today was hard.  What started out as a great day, with a happy baby, 2 older kiddos with great attitudes and a decent hair day (ha), ended up with me in tears, more than once.  Again, just like last time, nothing was out of the ordinary.  I just found myself completely overwhelmed with the slightest of issues.  I made it through my day, holding onto the hope of a fun evening with several ladies from my church.

We met for dinner at a local Mexican restaurant and I hardly touched my food.  My weight isn't where I want it to be...and I keep telling myself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  Obviously whoever coined that phrase never ate good ol' Tex Mex chips and hot sauce. I sat with 15 or so wonderful Christian women, many of whom are in my stage of life.  Young kiddos at home with our wonderful hubbies.  We talked about pregnancy and babies and illness...among other fun topics.  But, the whole time, my mind was racing about all of the illnesses going around and whether or not Gideon was ok.  The flu, RSV, Strep.  It's everywhere.  We've had it here with one kiddo and have worked SO hard to keep it from spreading.  And now, it's become my obsession.  I confided in those sweet ladies the struggles I'm having with my anxiety and my nearly debilitating fear that Gideon is going to get sick.  They listened and laughed with me as I argued it out with myself and they encouraged me.  One sent me a text soon after I arrived back home telling me that she was going to pray for me to give this burden to the Lord. 

When I arrived back home, my anxiety was through the roof.  I just want Gideon to be healthy...but in my quest to keep him healthy, I'm trying to control everything about his environment.  My older two NEED me in the mornings for school.  They need me to be able to concentrate on them and help them learn without the struggle of trying to care for a 4 month old.  Lots of mommies homeschool with babies...but I have to do it in no more than 4 hours a day because I work every day from 1-6 so it's a really difficult balancing act.  I have the incredible luxury of being able to send Gideon to daycare when I need to.  And I can do that without charge (because I work there...but more because my Mom owns it...haha).  But I'm struggling  because of all the sickness going around. Our daycare is cleaner than any home around and tonight, before I left, one of our amazing nursery workers told me that she prayed over the room and cribs and for each baby before she locked up for the night.  Yet, for some reason, I'm still holding onto this fear.  This "big ugly monster" as my husband called it tonight.  I shared in my last blog that my focus doesn't stay where it should.  But, tonight, I came home and wrote in my journal...got it all out.  My journal is my letter to the Lord.  It contains letters to God with my deepest thoughts and struggles...and tonight, it was full of burdens and struggles confessed. 

"I am terrified that Gideon is going to get the flu or RSV.  It is giving me such anxiety and I don't know how to get away from it except to pray and beg YOU to take it.  I know I need to let go and trust that he'll be OK...I just can't reconcile anything in my mind.  My mind is not focused on you - my thoughts are completely jumbled - Satan knows exactly where to hit me, and I am making it easy for him.  If my mind was stayed on YOU, YOU would give me peace.  Please tell me exactly what to do with Gideon.  Give me direction - give me peace.  Help me know if I am making a decision based on fear or reality.  Clear my thoughts!!  Heal my heart and my mind - keep my focus on you.  Lord, help me to know when it's you talking to me.  Please forgive me, Lord." I even wrote out Isaiah 26:3 - "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

So, I wrote it all out.  Then, I opened my Jesus Calling to February 5.  And here's what it says:
"Seek my face, and you will find not only My Presence but also My Peace.  To receive My Peace, you must change your grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust.  The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand.  Ask My Spirit within you to order your day and control your thoughts, for the mind controlled by the Spirit is Life and Peace.  You can have as much of Me and My Peace as you want, through thousands of correct choices each day.  The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or to worry.  You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what.  I am an ever-present help in trouble.  Trust Me, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

5 minutes before reading this devotion, I was crying, begging God to speak to me.  Help me to know if it's better to send Gideon to daycare so that I can be the mother and teacher I need to be in the mornings - or if it's better to keep him home and protect him (from everything bad, you know, because I can control it all...ugh)  I couldn't figure out what was reality...what was fear...what was true...what was false.  And God knew, when the author of Jesus Calling was writing the book, that I would be sitting here, 9:45pm on Monday, February 5, 2018, needing to read the words she wrote for just this day.  He answered...as fearful as I am of letting Gideon go, out of my control, out of my protective grasp...He just wants me to trust Him with Gideon and his health.  He just wants me to grasp HIS hand, instead of trying to manipulate every situation into what I think is good.  As soon as I finished reading it...I cried again and showed it all to my husband.  Why is it that I have a God that cares THIS MUCH for me?  I lose focus...my gaze drifts...and when I ask Him to talk to me and help me KNOW it's Him...He answers IMMEDIATELY.  I cannot get over why God loves me.  Why does He care enough to answer so swiftly and clearly and perfectly and address EVERY concern through a couple of seemingly simple paragraphs in a devotional?  Seriously...everything I wrote about, He addressed.  As one of my sweet friends sang yesterday (the same that sent the text tonight) - sometimes He whispers...and that's all the confirmation I need that He's still here...He's still on the throne...He's still ruling and reigning...He's still in control.  For the first time in WEEKS, I can go to sleep peacefully knowing that My God never does.  He's watching and protecting and keeping me and He loves my babies more than I ever could.  And so, the big, bad, ugly sickness monster isn't so big and bad and scary anymore.  My focus has been shifted back to where it should've been all along, just because I asked it of the Lord.   

Alas and did my Savior bleed
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For such a WORM as I?

At the cross, at the cross, where I first saw the light
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now, I am happy all the day!

Was it for crimes that I had done
He groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity!  Grace Unkonw!
And love beyond degree!

But drops of grief can ne'er repay
The debt of love I owe
Here, Lord, I give myself away
 'Tis all that I can do.

To Everything

Turn...Turn...Turn...

Are you singing now?  You're welcome.

A couple weeks ago, we had a Ladies Fellowship with the ladies in our church and it was such a wonderful time of sharing, loving on one another and connecting!  It was MARVELOUS to get out for an hour and a half and just be Jamie Allen again.  I wasn't taking care of a baby, shuffling kids around, teaching school or doing dishes, laundry or any one number of those "other duties as assigned" that you sign up for when you become a wife and mom!  We had a yummy lunch, played a fun game, praised our Lord, and then, we heard from our sweet Pastor's Wife.  She spoke about seasons.  The four seasons, and that each season prepares the earth for the next season.  Winter prepares the earth for Spring with snow that seeps deep down into the soil, coating those seeds lying dormant with life giving moisture so that just as the ground heats up, they can sprout forth life and abundance.  Spring showers come with winds that scatter seeds for new plants and trees bud and leaf out so that we can be shaded in the Summer!  Summer dries the earth and those buds that came out on the fruit trees in the Spring are ripened by the beautiful sunshine.  In Fall, there's pumpkins, and pumpkin spice...let's be real, that's the best part about Fall.  (Oh, and chunky sweaters and boots and preparation of our winter fat to keep us warm!  I'm looking at you Pumpkin Spice everything...and Thanksgiving!)  ***disclaimer*** None of this should be construed to be the case in the Texas Panhandle...we have had one season for the last 6 months, Warm, Dry and Windy.  ***end disclaimer***

As you can guess, though, she wasn't teaching about the virtues of the beautiful wonder of God's design for the earth.  She taught us, instead, on seasons of life.  Seasons of abundance, seasons of loss, seasons of BUSYNESS (ooh ooh ooh, me me), seasons of quiet, seasons of change.  She asked everyone what their favorite season of the year is, and we all had different answers.  I love Summer and Fall...others love Winter and still others Spring.  And when it comes to our lives, it's the same way.  Some LOVE the season of having lots of little ones under foot keeping them busy.  Those that love that season are an enigma to me.  They make it look SO EASY to have babies and raise a bunch of young kiddos.  You know the families I'm talking about...you may even BE one of those families.  If you are, just know I fully realize that how your life looks to me, may not be exactly how you feel.  NOTHING about raising babies is easy. 

That being said, there is a reason God chose not to structure our family that way.  I've never been one to shy away from sharing my struggles as a first time Mom with Malachi.  Then, when God gave us Marie through adoption, I joked (kind of) about God knowing I couldn't handle an 18 month old and a new baby.  That I really only had to go through the "baby" stage once and He knew what He was doing when he gave me my daughter fully potty trained!  My favorite season so far has been when my older two were old enough to go without naps...when we could pick up and go anywhere at a moment's notice.  That's why when the Lord chose to throw us back into the trenches of diapers and night feedings and best guesses on reasons for tears, it has been a huge adjustment.  And, admittedly, not my favorite season.  Now, before I go on, PLEASE DO NOT read that I am not completely in love or thankful for the miraculous gift that Gideon Matthias Allen is.  Although my husband wasn't completely there, I had gotten to the point in my life that I was totally happy with our 2 children and I was looking forward to big trips and exciting vacations.  Of course, there was always going to be the nagging "I wish I could've done it again..." feelings, but for the most part, I was able to stay in a state of thankfulness and contentment with our family structure!  But, this "baby" stage is just not one in which I feel like I flourish.  I get short-tempered when I don't get enough sleep. (duh...who doesn't?)  I cannot just let it "roll off my back" when Gideon NEEDS to learn to self soothe and be content without someone holding him.  That learning process for him is hard for me to endure.  (Malachi is struggling too...bless his sweet heart.  He is his momma!) 

Today, I left my older 2 at home to come to work.  Marie is still battling the flu and strep and I'm trying to keep Malachi from being exposed too much!  Gideon stays pretty isolated at daycare since he's not really old enough to get in the floor with the other babies.  On my way, my sweet husband texted and asked how my day was going.  I immediately responded, "stressful."  Anything remarkable?  No.  Just a busy morning of keeping 1 away from everyone else without going crazy. (seriously, she's the easiest child y'all)  She is doing a perfect job of staying in her own space and using hand sanitizer and wearing her mask when she gets up!  Then, trying to keep Gideon away and healthy and, and, and...It was in the midst of my conversation with my husband that Mrs. Denson's words came flooding back...this is just a season Mom.  It's my "winter."  It's hard.  Not nearly as hard as the season others are going through (which, upon remembrance, makes me feel like a complete jerk), but a hard season for ME.  My anxiety about keeping Gideon healthy and protected from this horrible flu outbreak has me completely on edge.  Last night, Thomas prayed with me as we were going to sleep...and his wisdom amazed me.  He prayed that the Lord would please help me to remember that I'm not in control...not in control of anything.  WHAT?!?  I've got this all together.  I'm holding everything together in this family.  I'm the glue.  I'm the one keeping schedules and feedings, and basketball and school, and, and, and, NOTHING.  I am nothing.  I keep nothing going.  The Lord allows me this opportunity, but HE is the one controlling it all.  He knows if we'll make it through this epidemic without Gideon getting it.  Of course I don't want ANY of my children getting sick, but for some reason, my 4 month old getting sick is keeping me up at night.  My hands are literally bleeding from washing them and using bleach to keep the house clean.  It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to kiss him...what if I'm sick and I just don't know it?  It's in these times that my logic disappears and I feel like I CAN control it.  And then, in those mistaken times, I begin sinking deeper and deeper into the waves...my eyes are off of my Savior where they should be.  All He wants is for me to keep my gaze on Him.  Matthew 6:26 says "Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?"  Every time I look out through our kitchen window, washing bottles for the umpteenth time, I see a bird pecking at the ground, or eating the cat's food and He reminds me...His eye is on the sparrow.  Birds aren't anxious, they know, instinctively, that all of their needs will be met.  There's no need for worry, their Creator has it under control.

So, as I continue in this Season...I wait for my Creator to use this season to prepare me for the next.  And, I remember to thank Him for the seasons I've come through which have prepared me for the one I'm in now.  And, I remember, to thank Him for seasons and enduring grace...unending grace...marvelous, wonderful, undeserved grace.  

Because Everyone Asks...

When you're big fat pregnant, you know, once it becomes obvious that you didn't just eat a few too many tacos, people notice.  Your belly enters the room before you do...and, if you're anything like me, you love it.  You're thankful, so thankful, for the amazing miracle growing inside you.  You savor every hiccup, kick, punch and roll.  Yes, you get tired of having to sleep with 19 pillows and 73 trips to the bathroom each night.  (I jest...but not really)  People ask how you are and, after the sickness has subsided (somewhat), you answer that you're doing well...eventually you answer that you're ready to hold your baby, but that you're doing well.  It may not even be true, but typically you say it anyway.  Then you get to meet the sweet new soul with whom God has entrusted you and all just seems right with the world.  At least sometimes that's the case.  With Malachi, that was totally NOT the case with me.  I was an absolute BAS.KET.CASE.  I was scared to death, and it totally translated into Malachi's temperament.  When we found out Gideon was coming, I had immediate peace.  I knew this time would be different.  After all, I'm 10 years older and have worked at our family daycare for the last 3 years.  I've learned babies...I've done it before!  Once you start venturing out, again, you're met with "How's the baby?" quickly followed by "How are YOU?"  And again, you answer that you're doing well, in spite of the lack of sleep and trying to adjust.

For me, this recovery has been SO much easier than it was with Malachi.  Physically I felt better much sooner this time around.  Mentally and emotionally, my first few weeks have been wonderful.  But now, the adrenaline is gone and we've started to settle into our new normal.  And, you know what, I'm OK...but not without struggles.  I've joked about having a baby at my age, but in reality 35 isn't too old to have a baby.  It's older than we ever thought we would be, but it's NOT OLD.  My struggles are not all age related, however.  I can't fit into any of my clothes.  Totally petty, I get it.  It's going to take time, I get it.  And it's really screwing with my head.  I LOVE my hair, but not right now.  It's dry and won't hold curl.  (Anyone that knows me knows I'm addicted to my curling iron/hot rollers.)  I just don't love it right now.  Please don't compliment me/tell me I look fine...I'm not looking for compliments, I'm just being real about post-pregnancy. 

I cannot keep a straight thought in my head to save my life.  I try to carry on and participate in conversations and JUST CAN'T.  I am constantly apologizing or pausing while I'm talking because I can't put a coherent thought together.  I normally like to consider myself fairly quick-witted...it's gone.  I can't remember names.  (Not a good thing while trying to say goodbye to 60+ children at the end of each day)  I can't remember dates.  I.CAN'T.REMEMBER.WORDS Y'ALL.  JUST WORDS. If anything is going to depress me, that's it.  (I have visited with my endocrinologist about it.  Unfortunately, brain fog is one of the biggest indicators of a thyroid imbalance.  We are slowly adjusting my thyroid medication...it's just going to be a slow process.) 

The worst is that while trying to figure out a new schedule for having a baby, homeschooling, trying to keep our house from becoming a disaster zone and showering somewhere in there...I've put my relationship with Christ on the back burner.  I like to get up first thing in the morning and read Jesus Calling, read my Bible and write my prayers.  That's been really hard.  There are mornings that the baby has been fed in time to get up and have my quiet time PLUS get in the shower while other adults are home to help...but I haven't been disciplined enough to get all of that done and make my spiritual life a priority.  (My parents and sweet hubby are all wonderful to feed and hold Giddy...so it's NOT all on me by ANY means!)  It's one of those things that you don't realize the effects of letting go of until it's gotten rough.  I think it's probably "normal" but that's not an excuse for me.  This morning, I was in a hard place and finally stopped what I was doing and put my face down and tried to pray...only there were no words.  It was in those sweet moments that my heart (and eyes) cried out to Jesus, our Intercessor, begging Him to hear the words that only my heart could speak.  I'm thankful that He heard the apology I couldn't utter and the gratefulness for ALL of the incredible blessings I have.  All I could manage to utter was the name of Jesus...and I know that He heard everything I wasn't saying.  Later in the morning I had a few minutes while sitting in a doctor's waiting room and I had purposely taken my Bible and Journal.  Finally I was able to write out what I couldn't say earlier in the morning.  I told my Lord first how sorry I was that I had neglected my relationship with Him.  I thanked Him for how longsuffering He is with me.  I thanked him again for ALL of my blessings.  I asked Him to please draw near to me.  And, you know what?  He did.  As He always does. 

I guess I just felt the need to write to work through MY feelings, but also to encourage anyone else that may relate to what I'm going through.  You don't have to have a new baby to go through a spiritual battle, though.  These times come and go in the life of every believer I think.  Times that we walk away from Jesus.  If I feel distant from God, it's not because He's moved...He's unmovable.  James 4:8 says "Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.  Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded."  That's what I had to do this morning...I had to cleanse my hands and purify my heart.  My mind has been trying to focus on too many things, instead of focusing on my Lord.  I drew nigh to Him...and immediately, I felt his loving presence back in my heart.  I've slowly been pouring out into others in my life without replenishing my own heart with God's sustaining grace.  Now, I'm beginning to feel like my cup is filling again. 

I'm so very thankful for where my life is right now.  My parents have been so incredibly helpful in every aspect of my life.  Keeping the laundry going...taking care of the animals...taking care of my kids...Not the least of which includes my Mom keeping Giddy every afternoon.  My sweet Sister, Kelly, has been picking up the slack at work when I'm coming in late or when I'm just not mentally present!!  I don't know how I would survive working without her.  I do owe her...although, she did just almost die from a major surgery and I've supported her through that ordeal.  (I jest again...sort of)  My husband has definitely borne the brunt of my emotional instability...and he continues to tell me that he's here for me, that he loves me, that he forgives me.  I don't deserve him. 

I don't deserve any of the good things in my life...but the Lord gives them to me anyway.

We're Back

So after 4 years - we're back!  I can't believe it's been 4 years since I last blogged.  SO much has changed and now, I'm excited to get back to it to document our life!  We now have 3 beautiful children, each with his/her own unique and perfect place in our family and hearts!  Since our last blog, I have quit my full time job and have a totally different life now.  I stay home with our babies in the mornings and, this year, began my 3rd year of homeschooling.  Then, in the afternoons, I work at my parents' daycare.  I've gone from working with adults and missing my babies all day to being with mine (and others') babies all day, and, sometimes, missing adults!  I'm a mini-driving mama and wouldn't trade it for the world!

About 18 months ago, after years of praying about it, Thomas and I purchased a home in the country with my parents and LOVE it.  Our big farmhouse sits on 2 acres and we have 3 dogs, a fat tomcat and 15 chickens.  Our home is absolutely perfect for entertaining and we have hosted many parties here!  SUCH a different life than we ever imagined, but we LOVE it.  Yes, we live in the same house as my parents...and it works perfectly.  We each have our strengths and weaknesses, our likes and dislikes.  I HATE sorting laundry, (we're doing laundry for 7, so we're ALWAYS doing laundry), but I don't mind taking it out/switching it, so, Lolli sorts it.  I like to meal plan and grocery shop, so I do that and get meals somewhat prepared in the morning.  Then, when Lolli gets home at 1 and I go to work, she cooks!  Thomas and Pops do maintenance outside...but not mowing.  Lolli has her own ZTR lawnmower and nobody touches that!  We've been told it'll never work, but we've never been the kind to listen to anyone else's opinion!  We wrote down exactly what we wanted in a home and everyone agreed to pray over it...and the Lord provided exactly what we asked for!  What we didn't expect...at all...was that our lives would TOTALLY change on February 20th.

The morning of February 20th, I woke up feeling a little sick to my stomach...nothing major.  But, after a couple weeks of night sweats I started thinking, but quickly dismissed the idea that I might be pregnant.  Thomas even joked about it and I told him NO WAY!  Then, without even thinking, I went to the bathroom and pulled out a pregnancy test that had probably expired 5 years before.  The weekend before we were on a couples' retreat with our church and some of the other sweet ladies were giving us a hard time that we were the next to get pregnant and we QUICKLY dismissed that idea (and laughed and laughed.)  So, when the test immediately came back positive, we were in complete shock.  COMPLETE shock.  We tried for so long to have another baby...doctors appointments, shots, invasive procedures and years of disappointment and heartache.  Now, after 9 wonderful (some difficult) months, Gideon Matthias Allen joined our family 4 weeks ago.  He was born September 25, 2017 at 1:07 pm after about 14 hours of labor.  He weighed in at a whopping 5lb 15oz and was 18.5 inches long.  Malachi was born weighing 5lb 13oz and was 18.75 inches long so they were almost identical!  Giddy, as we call him, is absolute perfection and looks JUST like his Daddy!!  So far, he is an INCREDIBLY easy baby.  Sleeps perfectly, eats great and is growing and gaining weight by the minute!  At 2 weeks, he had gained 11 oz and grown an inch in length!  We are praying that he has Marie's beautiful blue eyes so she has something to help her to belong.  She has always fixated on the fact that we all have green eyes and I prayed VERY specifically that Gideon would have her eyes!  We'll have to wait and see on that one!  Giddy is the missing piece that we didn't know we were even missing!!  But...that's it!  Done.  No more.  😥😳
 
Malachi is now 9 years old and is a complete mess!  He takes completely after me...which is not always a good thing!  😕  He is so incredibly smart and LOVES learning.  He makes my job as a teacher easy...as a teacher and MOM at the same time...sometimes that's a little challenging!  He's working his way through 4th grade and is killing it!  He loves History and Math and finds English incredibly boring!  Typical Boy!! 

Marie is 7 and is a doll!  She is a lot like her Daddy, which I find fascinating!  God really knew what he was doing when He gave her to us!  (As if we've ever had reason to doubt Him!)  She is an AMAZING artist and just a great kid!  She is in 2nd grade and doing great!  School doesn't come as easily to her, but she works HARD with a great attitude and that makes it SO much more rewarding when she succeeds!!  This year she has really started to bloom and I am so thankful that I get to sit beside her every day and witness her journey!

Thomas is working at our local college right now and, as always, the rock in our family!  We've been on a MAJOR adventure in the last 2 years and it has been a BLAST to ride the roller coaster with him!  This October 10 marked 19 years for us (dating...we've been married 13 years) and we talk all the time about how amazed we are with our life!!  God has been so incredibly good to us! 

 

Two stories

So 2013 has been a rough year for our family for sure.  We've had moments of sweetness, but most of 2013 has been spent searching for God's will and trying to make sure we're staying on that straight and narrow path.  And, anytime you're at a fork in a road, there are bound to be tears.  We've definitely had those...lots.of.tears.  Thankfully, it's December 30th and God's will seems to be unfolding before our eyes as we sit STILL!  A big part of 2013 has been the awakened desire in our hearts to teach our sweet sweet boy that this world does not revolve around him.  Part of his belief that it does is our fault.  We indulge...perhaps a bit more this year than others, given what we've gone through.  However, recently we've been given the opportunity to put our teaching into action!

The first opportunity came when the Philippines was struck by Typhoon Haiyan.  You see, my Mom has a beautiful young woman, Imma, working for her.  Imma is from the Philippines and celebrated her year in the United States in November.  We've had such a wonderful time getting to know her and learning about her culture!  For example, we asked her about earthquakes and she said they're not scared of them because there are no "buildings" where she lives, only huts.  She joked that they actually like earthquakes because it makes all of the coconuts and bananas fall and they don't have to climb trees to get them!  But, when the typhoon struck, our thoughts immediately turned to her!  We asked how her family was and she told us that they lost everything.  So, we set out to collect donations for her family!  This is where Malachi comes in...it was a Saturday afternoon and he had just woken up from nap.  He asked if he could have ice cream and my answer was no, not until after dinner.  He wasn't happy...it was then that I began to explain to him that there are people in the world that don't have homes and that it is completely unacceptable to throw a fit because he couldn't have ice cream!  Talking didn't seem to be doing the trick so I got him up on our bed and pulled up a map of the world on our computer.  I showed him where the Philippines is...and where we are.  Then, I explained to him what happened to Miss Imma's family; and that her family didn't even have a home anymore!  Thomas and I had agreed on an amount of money we were going to donate and I told Malachi I thought it would be good if he donated some money too.  Again, he wasn't really thrilled about giving his money away.  So, I told him to go to his room and pray and ask Jesus how much money he should give.  He came back about 30 seconds later and said "four."  (It was said with a somewhat poor attitude)  I was shocked (that's a lot of money to a 5 year old).  So I praised him and told him I thought that was great.  Then, after a few more minutes he began crying again and said "I don't know if I have four."  So, we went to his piggy banks (Spend/Save/Give) and I pulled out 4 dollars.  It was then he said that maybe Jesus just wanted him to give 4 quarters.  After a few more minutes of whining/crying, I sat him down and read out of Luke 21, about the widow giving all she had.  I explained that the rich men were giving much more than the widow gave and then asked him who God was more please with.  He immediately said the widow.  It was starting to sink in..but not quite.  So, I had him pray in his room again and told him I would come to him after I felt like he had enough time to think and pray.  I placed 4 quarters on one side and 4 dollar bills on the other and then I shut his door. He prayed he sweetest prayer for Miss Imma and then he asked, ever so simply, "Jesus, how much money should I give Miss Imma?"  After a few moments of quiet, I walked back in and sat beside him and asked him how much Jesus wanted him to give Miss Imma's family.  He confidently handed me the four $1 bills.  I told him that Jesus would bless him richly because of his willingness to trust and obey!  The next day he found a quarter on the ground and I told him God was blessing him...he felt awesome!  Miss Imma's family was given over $2,000 in cash which bought them two houses and will feed them for an entire year.  14 people fed for $2,000 PLUS two new homes IN TOWN!  God is so good...and we, as Americans, have NO idea how good He really is to us!

The second story happened just Saturday.  As we do most every month, we went to Sam's Club with my parents to help them buy daycare groceries!  Malachi "helps" load groceries after we buy them all and often my parents will pay him a dollar or so!  This month, Malachi asked me if he would get paid and I explained that sometimes we just help because it's the right thing to do!  I told my parents that under no circumstances was he to be paid if he asked for it...that he needed to learn to help out just out of "right" sometimes!  He didn't ask about it again, and my mom gave him $1 and praised him for not asking and for being willing just to do it!  On the way home I told him that we would get his tithe ready when we got home and then asked if he would like to give to missionaries.    I tried explaining that there are kids all over the world that don't have churches and asked him to explain what would happen if no one was there to tell him about Jesus.  He gave the right answer, but definitely not with the right spirit.  So, I changed his $1 bill for 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel.  We set one dime off to the side for tithe and I showed him how much he had left.  I suggested that he give maybe a nickel to our missionaries...still not a good reaction.  So, I sent him to pray again.  He came back nearly immediately, handed me a nickel and a dime and said "Both."  But still with a terrible attitude.  His first question was, "When will God give me my money back like He did with Miss Imma's money?"  I told him that blessings don't always come in the form of money...that wasn't hacking it with him! So, I sat him down and read Malachi 3:10...one of my favorite verses in the Bible!  (Helps that it's in a wonderful book!)  I explained to him what the Bible says about proving God and His ability to bless...and explained that there are MANY types of blessings God gives...not all are monetary.  I asked him to name 3 blessings he has that AREN'T money.  1)  Mommy and Daddy  2)  Lolli, Pop and Uncle Logan  3)  Toys  I then named him several blessings that Mommy and Daddy have.  I then encouraged him to go pray again.  I placed the nickel in one hand and the dime in the other.  Again, I left...but when I came back I was quite shocked.  He still said he wanted to give both the nickel and the dime!  This time, though, it was with a much quieter and meeker spirit!  So, we gave him an offering envelope and he filled it out on his own!  Then, he turned it in yesterday morning to his Sunday School teacher with an explanation as to what the Bible promises when we prove God! 

I don't tell these stories to brag on my kid or on my amazing parenting abilities.  This my blog to record our life and I feel like these are two life-changing times in Malachi's little life!  I want to remember them and I want to be able to remind him when he's older!!  I pray that these are the building blocks on which he begins to base his love for others...and I pray I can remember these simple lessons a little more often too!!!

Fairytale

Sometimes I think my life really is a fairytale.  I mean, c'mon...I'm married to the man that I used to dream about in junior high.  I remember watching him across the lunch room with his friends.  I remember putting sweet little hearts around his face in my 7th grade yearbook.  I remember watching him sing in Mrs. Weber's choir room and thinking he was so handsome in his cheap, purple cumberbund and bowtie!  I remember that moment in high school when he walked into my Spanish 1 class...with Senorita Baker (now Senora Campbell.)  And...that first week, I remember him picking out the name Fernando for that class!  We will forever be Fernando y Alicia to Senoras Campbell and Evans.  I remember flirting and passing notes and my heart fluttering with one look from him.  I remember talking to him at Fair on the Square and begging my parents for $1.00 so I could buy a glow necklace for some charity he was selling them for!  I remember that JV football game where he actually sat in front of me and a certain someone (who shall remain nameless) kept distracting us from one another.  If I remember right, that was a powderpuff game...and I held his blanket while all the Varsity players were called out onto the field!   (My heart just skipped a beat again...I was NOT the type of girl that the typical jocks went for!)  I remember that first phone call that lasted 6 hours and how we could've talked for 60 more if only his portable phone batteries had held out!  I remember telling him straight out that my parents' rule was that he had to go to a Baptist church if he wanted to date me...and him saying ok!  I remember meeting at the park that next day...I remember what we were both wearing.  I remember how it felt just to finally be his girlfriend.  I remember walking into school as Thomas Allen's girlfriend for the first time...I don't know if anyone cared...but I couldn't have felt more special!  I remember that less than 2 weeks after we finally started "going out" he told me he loved me...and I loved him too.  I remember that sweet and beautiful construction paper rose he made me for our one month anniversary and I remember carrying it with me so I could smell his cologne that he had sprayed on it!  I remember the shared candy bars in Mrs. Gwinn's Physics class and the projects we always had to do together!  I remember that we never got less than a 100!!  Even then we made a great team!  I remember sitting in Coach Doak's health class (because we had different lunches) and him telling me just to go ahead and go spend lunch with him!  It didn't happen terribly often, but the whole class knew that when that bell rang in the middle of class...nothing else mattered to me except to see him walk by and smile and blow me a kiss!  I remember the horrible feeling it was to say goodbye while he went to Seattle with the choir and I didn't get to go...and I remember my best friend holding me in the rain that night as the bus drove away and I sobbed!  (Thanks Chrissy...I won't ever forget that!)  I remember writing him a letter for each day he was to be gone and then decorating a box for him to take with him!  I remember the sweet notebook he came back with filled with letters he'd written while he was away...I remember getting the last letter from him in that notebook right before we were to be married!  I remember the apple scented lotion he brought back from that trip for me!  I remember Grease, the musical...and listening to the Wichita Falls football game the afternoon of our Saturday performance because I couldn't go.  I remember that he was the leading receiver that game and we yarned his Explorer with purple yarn and made purple eagles to put all over it!  I remember being so proud!  I remember the fear I had when I graduated and we weren't going to be in school together anymore.  I remember traveling to Lubbock with the Marriott family to watch a playoff game and seeing my sweet friend (and future roommate), Honnah, there and hunkering down to watch Canyon in the snow!  I remember that promise ring...and how I used to gaze at it sitting at WT wondering what class he was in!  I remember finding out he was going to Abilene for college and the agony our hearts felt.  I remember the weekend of my 18th birthday driving to Abilene with my wonderful Mom and Honnah to go surprise him...and then going to the movie theatre and walking into every single theatre yelling his name...except for the one theatre he was actually in.  Planet of the Apes...really?  I remember seeing that room light come on finally and calling him, telling him to look out his window!!  And then...I remember our engagement...and how wonderful it felt to finally call him my fiance!  I remember those too short weekends together before he would turn around and make the 4 hour drive back.  I remember that Christmas when he finally came home to me for good...and we vowed never to be apart like that again!  I remember skipping Political Science just to spend a bit more time together.  I remember that trip to Lubbock where we decided to go to Tech and we were so excited to start off on our new adventure together!  I remember falling into his arms when my parents pulled away that Saturday and I was living away from my parents...for the first time...and was terrified!  I remember Tech football games, tearing down goalposts when we beat UT and preparing for my Spanish play in College.  I remember preparing for our wedding for months and months and months and just knowing everything was going to be perfect...and it was!  I remember that moment in our wedding when I had to give him my grandmother's handkerchief because he was crying just as hard as I was!  And then...we were finally married.  All those years later...our countdown was finally over.  I was finally Mrs. Thomas Allen! 

Honey - I wouldn't trade these last 14 years for ANYTHING.  We grew up together...we've seen each other at our best and at our worst.  We've seen indescribable happiness with the birth of our son and indescribable pain.  I've seen you get saved and grow and mature in the Lord and now I get to watch you teach our son how to be a godly man.  I get to watch you teach other young people what it means to follow God's will, wholly and completely and without questioning!  You've opened your heart to possibilities beyond our wildest imagination and you've held me when those hopes have come crashing down.  You are strong for me because you are strong in the Lord...and you've given me more happiness and love than one woman ever deserves!  I am so in love with you...I would say just as much as that day, October 10, 1998...but it's so much more than that now!  My heart hurts sometimes and I get short of breath when I think how blessed I am to have you and your love!  My heart still flutters when you grab my hand and instantly I am taken back to high school, walking through the halls with you, my varsity football player boyfriend.  I am so thankful that the Lord has seen fit to give us a consistent love for one another and that our fairytale, high school sweetheart relationship has been true and real.  I know it doesn't usually work out this way...and I know we had lots of people telling us it wouldn't!  But, it has - and I could not be more thankful for that!  You are my husband, my soul mate, my leader, my best friend and my confidante! 

Thank you for loving me and for being my KISA!!  Happy 9 year wedding birthday!

Love,
YDID