Paralyzed

Paralyzed is how I'm feeling today.  Numb from raw emotions still gnawing and swirling in my heart and in my head.  I've heard people say that coming face-to-face with your own mortality will shake you to your core, but I've never understood that...until now. 

Tuesday morning, I received a phone call that absolutely rocked my world.  My sweet husband called me and started a story about two of our classmates, but was fumbling through his story and stumbling on his words, trying to relay to me the awful news that one of them had been tragically murdered the night before.  I knew something awful must have happened by the tone and pace of Thomas' speech, but never in a million years did I expect to hear that a good man had been murdered while protecting his home and family.  And, not only is that tragic, but the fact that he left behind a beautiful wife and two adorable little boys brought me literally to my knees, in my office, in broad daylight.  All I could say was "Oh my gosh...Oh my gosh" over and over and over again.  So, I did the best thing I knew to do and prayed for peace, for strength and for comfort from the Only One who can adequately address those needs in such a terrible situation.

Then, today, I attended the funeral of that man with my husband and was absolutely shaken to my innermost being.  The man that died and his sweet wife have a story which could've been taken from the story of my life with Thomas.  High school sweethearts who fell in love younger than most would think possible, who stayed in love until the very end and who had beautiful children together.  Even the stories told today were the same as ours.  Just switch the names and put our faces where theirs are in prom pictures and football game victory photos.  We have the same memories from the same time.  But oh, how 11 years later can make such a difference.  I get to go home to my husband and my little boy tonight, sleeping next to the love of my life, feeling his warmth and loving embrace.  She...does not. 

To say that it's not fair would be, in essence, questioning God's plan which I hope I never do.  However, I can't, for all the life I have in me, wrap my head around it.  I can't imagine, and am terrified when I try, what it would be like if her experience now was to be replaced with my face and my name like so many of our other experiences could be.  I have a husband who has worked to organize our life, provided for Malachi and I not only for the here and now, but for the "just in case" as well.  And while that's all responsible and gives me so so much comfort and peace, all the preparation in the world cannot replace a hug, a kiss, an embrace or just "being."  The depth of my heartache cannot possibly be adequately described, nor can the depth of my prayer for peace and comfort. 

I do know that God is in control, just as He is in every other situation and that when He says it's time, that's it.  There's no arguing, there's no fighting it.  You better be ready.  Your loved ones better know deep in their souls how much you love them.  You better have lived a life of obedience to God, one that will leave a lasting and eternal testimony.  And, you better make sure that you have given your heart over to Christ and asked Him to come in and save your soul.  Because, you never know when that midnight call will come from Christ that it's time to go.  Will you go Home with Him when He calls?