Perfect Peace

So, today was hard.  What started out as a great day, with a happy baby, 2 older kiddos with great attitudes and a decent hair day (ha), ended up with me in tears, more than once.  Again, just like last time, nothing was out of the ordinary.  I just found myself completely overwhelmed with the slightest of issues.  I made it through my day, holding onto the hope of a fun evening with several ladies from my church.

We met for dinner at a local Mexican restaurant and I hardly touched my food.  My weight isn't where I want it to be...and I keep telling myself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  Obviously whoever coined that phrase never ate good ol' Tex Mex chips and hot sauce. I sat with 15 or so wonderful Christian women, many of whom are in my stage of life.  Young kiddos at home with our wonderful hubbies.  We talked about pregnancy and babies and illness...among other fun topics.  But, the whole time, my mind was racing about all of the illnesses going around and whether or not Gideon was ok.  The flu, RSV, Strep.  It's everywhere.  We've had it here with one kiddo and have worked SO hard to keep it from spreading.  And now, it's become my obsession.  I confided in those sweet ladies the struggles I'm having with my anxiety and my nearly debilitating fear that Gideon is going to get sick.  They listened and laughed with me as I argued it out with myself and they encouraged me.  One sent me a text soon after I arrived back home telling me that she was going to pray for me to give this burden to the Lord. 

When I arrived back home, my anxiety was through the roof.  I just want Gideon to be healthy...but in my quest to keep him healthy, I'm trying to control everything about his environment.  My older two NEED me in the mornings for school.  They need me to be able to concentrate on them and help them learn without the struggle of trying to care for a 4 month old.  Lots of mommies homeschool with babies...but I have to do it in no more than 4 hours a day because I work every day from 1-6 so it's a really difficult balancing act.  I have the incredible luxury of being able to send Gideon to daycare when I need to.  And I can do that without charge (because I work there...but more because my Mom owns it...haha).  But I'm struggling  because of all the sickness going around. Our daycare is cleaner than any home around and tonight, before I left, one of our amazing nursery workers told me that she prayed over the room and cribs and for each baby before she locked up for the night.  Yet, for some reason, I'm still holding onto this fear.  This "big ugly monster" as my husband called it tonight.  I shared in my last blog that my focus doesn't stay where it should.  But, tonight, I came home and wrote in my journal...got it all out.  My journal is my letter to the Lord.  It contains letters to God with my deepest thoughts and struggles...and tonight, it was full of burdens and struggles confessed. 

"I am terrified that Gideon is going to get the flu or RSV.  It is giving me such anxiety and I don't know how to get away from it except to pray and beg YOU to take it.  I know I need to let go and trust that he'll be OK...I just can't reconcile anything in my mind.  My mind is not focused on you - my thoughts are completely jumbled - Satan knows exactly where to hit me, and I am making it easy for him.  If my mind was stayed on YOU, YOU would give me peace.  Please tell me exactly what to do with Gideon.  Give me direction - give me peace.  Help me know if I am making a decision based on fear or reality.  Clear my thoughts!!  Heal my heart and my mind - keep my focus on you.  Lord, help me to know when it's you talking to me.  Please forgive me, Lord." I even wrote out Isaiah 26:3 - "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

So, I wrote it all out.  Then, I opened my Jesus Calling to February 5.  And here's what it says:
"Seek my face, and you will find not only My Presence but also My Peace.  To receive My Peace, you must change your grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust.  The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand.  Ask My Spirit within you to order your day and control your thoughts, for the mind controlled by the Spirit is Life and Peace.  You can have as much of Me and My Peace as you want, through thousands of correct choices each day.  The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or to worry.  You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what.  I am an ever-present help in trouble.  Trust Me, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

5 minutes before reading this devotion, I was crying, begging God to speak to me.  Help me to know if it's better to send Gideon to daycare so that I can be the mother and teacher I need to be in the mornings - or if it's better to keep him home and protect him (from everything bad, you know, because I can control it all...ugh)  I couldn't figure out what was reality...what was fear...what was true...what was false.  And God knew, when the author of Jesus Calling was writing the book, that I would be sitting here, 9:45pm on Monday, February 5, 2018, needing to read the words she wrote for just this day.  He answered...as fearful as I am of letting Gideon go, out of my control, out of my protective grasp...He just wants me to trust Him with Gideon and his health.  He just wants me to grasp HIS hand, instead of trying to manipulate every situation into what I think is good.  As soon as I finished reading it...I cried again and showed it all to my husband.  Why is it that I have a God that cares THIS MUCH for me?  I lose focus...my gaze drifts...and when I ask Him to talk to me and help me KNOW it's Him...He answers IMMEDIATELY.  I cannot get over why God loves me.  Why does He care enough to answer so swiftly and clearly and perfectly and address EVERY concern through a couple of seemingly simple paragraphs in a devotional?  Seriously...everything I wrote about, He addressed.  As one of my sweet friends sang yesterday (the same that sent the text tonight) - sometimes He whispers...and that's all the confirmation I need that He's still here...He's still on the throne...He's still ruling and reigning...He's still in control.  For the first time in WEEKS, I can go to sleep peacefully knowing that My God never does.  He's watching and protecting and keeping me and He loves my babies more than I ever could.  And so, the big, bad, ugly sickness monster isn't so big and bad and scary anymore.  My focus has been shifted back to where it should've been all along, just because I asked it of the Lord.   

Alas and did my Savior bleed
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For such a WORM as I?

At the cross, at the cross, where I first saw the light
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now, I am happy all the day!

Was it for crimes that I had done
He groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity!  Grace Unkonw!
And love beyond degree!

But drops of grief can ne'er repay
The debt of love I owe
Here, Lord, I give myself away
 'Tis all that I can do.