Because Everyone Asks...

When you're big fat pregnant, you know, once it becomes obvious that you didn't just eat a few too many tacos, people notice.  Your belly enters the room before you do...and, if you're anything like me, you love it.  You're thankful, so thankful, for the amazing miracle growing inside you.  You savor every hiccup, kick, punch and roll.  Yes, you get tired of having to sleep with 19 pillows and 73 trips to the bathroom each night.  (I jest...but not really)  People ask how you are and, after the sickness has subsided (somewhat), you answer that you're doing well...eventually you answer that you're ready to hold your baby, but that you're doing well.  It may not even be true, but typically you say it anyway.  Then you get to meet the sweet new soul with whom God has entrusted you and all just seems right with the world.  At least sometimes that's the case.  With Malachi, that was totally NOT the case with me.  I was an absolute BAS.KET.CASE.  I was scared to death, and it totally translated into Malachi's temperament.  When we found out Gideon was coming, I had immediate peace.  I knew this time would be different.  After all, I'm 10 years older and have worked at our family daycare for the last 3 years.  I've learned babies...I've done it before!  Once you start venturing out, again, you're met with "How's the baby?" quickly followed by "How are YOU?"  And again, you answer that you're doing well, in spite of the lack of sleep and trying to adjust.

For me, this recovery has been SO much easier than it was with Malachi.  Physically I felt better much sooner this time around.  Mentally and emotionally, my first few weeks have been wonderful.  But now, the adrenaline is gone and we've started to settle into our new normal.  And, you know what, I'm OK...but not without struggles.  I've joked about having a baby at my age, but in reality 35 isn't too old to have a baby.  It's older than we ever thought we would be, but it's NOT OLD.  My struggles are not all age related, however.  I can't fit into any of my clothes.  Totally petty, I get it.  It's going to take time, I get it.  And it's really screwing with my head.  I LOVE my hair, but not right now.  It's dry and won't hold curl.  (Anyone that knows me knows I'm addicted to my curling iron/hot rollers.)  I just don't love it right now.  Please don't compliment me/tell me I look fine...I'm not looking for compliments, I'm just being real about post-pregnancy. 

I cannot keep a straight thought in my head to save my life.  I try to carry on and participate in conversations and JUST CAN'T.  I am constantly apologizing or pausing while I'm talking because I can't put a coherent thought together.  I normally like to consider myself fairly quick-witted...it's gone.  I can't remember names.  (Not a good thing while trying to say goodbye to 60+ children at the end of each day)  I can't remember dates.  I.CAN'T.REMEMBER.WORDS Y'ALL.  JUST WORDS. If anything is going to depress me, that's it.  (I have visited with my endocrinologist about it.  Unfortunately, brain fog is one of the biggest indicators of a thyroid imbalance.  We are slowly adjusting my thyroid medication...it's just going to be a slow process.) 

The worst is that while trying to figure out a new schedule for having a baby, homeschooling, trying to keep our house from becoming a disaster zone and showering somewhere in there...I've put my relationship with Christ on the back burner.  I like to get up first thing in the morning and read Jesus Calling, read my Bible and write my prayers.  That's been really hard.  There are mornings that the baby has been fed in time to get up and have my quiet time PLUS get in the shower while other adults are home to help...but I haven't been disciplined enough to get all of that done and make my spiritual life a priority.  (My parents and sweet hubby are all wonderful to feed and hold Giddy...so it's NOT all on me by ANY means!)  It's one of those things that you don't realize the effects of letting go of until it's gotten rough.  I think it's probably "normal" but that's not an excuse for me.  This morning, I was in a hard place and finally stopped what I was doing and put my face down and tried to pray...only there were no words.  It was in those sweet moments that my heart (and eyes) cried out to Jesus, our Intercessor, begging Him to hear the words that only my heart could speak.  I'm thankful that He heard the apology I couldn't utter and the gratefulness for ALL of the incredible blessings I have.  All I could manage to utter was the name of Jesus...and I know that He heard everything I wasn't saying.  Later in the morning I had a few minutes while sitting in a doctor's waiting room and I had purposely taken my Bible and Journal.  Finally I was able to write out what I couldn't say earlier in the morning.  I told my Lord first how sorry I was that I had neglected my relationship with Him.  I thanked Him for how longsuffering He is with me.  I thanked him again for ALL of my blessings.  I asked Him to please draw near to me.  And, you know what?  He did.  As He always does. 

I guess I just felt the need to write to work through MY feelings, but also to encourage anyone else that may relate to what I'm going through.  You don't have to have a new baby to go through a spiritual battle, though.  These times come and go in the life of every believer I think.  Times that we walk away from Jesus.  If I feel distant from God, it's not because He's moved...He's unmovable.  James 4:8 says "Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.  Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded."  That's what I had to do this morning...I had to cleanse my hands and purify my heart.  My mind has been trying to focus on too many things, instead of focusing on my Lord.  I drew nigh to Him...and immediately, I felt his loving presence back in my heart.  I've slowly been pouring out into others in my life without replenishing my own heart with God's sustaining grace.  Now, I'm beginning to feel like my cup is filling again. 

I'm so very thankful for where my life is right now.  My parents have been so incredibly helpful in every aspect of my life.  Keeping the laundry going...taking care of the animals...taking care of my kids...Not the least of which includes my Mom keeping Giddy every afternoon.  My sweet Sister, Kelly, has been picking up the slack at work when I'm coming in late or when I'm just not mentally present!!  I don't know how I would survive working without her.  I do owe her...although, she did just almost die from a major surgery and I've supported her through that ordeal.  (I jest again...sort of)  My husband has definitely borne the brunt of my emotional instability...and he continues to tell me that he's here for me, that he loves me, that he forgives me.  I don't deserve him. 

I don't deserve any of the good things in my life...but the Lord gives them to me anyway.

We're Back

So after 4 years - we're back!  I can't believe it's been 4 years since I last blogged.  SO much has changed and now, I'm excited to get back to it to document our life!  We now have 3 beautiful children, each with his/her own unique and perfect place in our family and hearts!  Since our last blog, I have quit my full time job and have a totally different life now.  I stay home with our babies in the mornings and, this year, began my 3rd year of homeschooling.  Then, in the afternoons, I work at my parents' daycare.  I've gone from working with adults and missing my babies all day to being with mine (and others') babies all day, and, sometimes, missing adults!  I'm a mini-driving mama and wouldn't trade it for the world!

About 18 months ago, after years of praying about it, Thomas and I purchased a home in the country with my parents and LOVE it.  Our big farmhouse sits on 2 acres and we have 3 dogs, a fat tomcat and 15 chickens.  Our home is absolutely perfect for entertaining and we have hosted many parties here!  SUCH a different life than we ever imagined, but we LOVE it.  Yes, we live in the same house as my parents...and it works perfectly.  We each have our strengths and weaknesses, our likes and dislikes.  I HATE sorting laundry, (we're doing laundry for 7, so we're ALWAYS doing laundry), but I don't mind taking it out/switching it, so, Lolli sorts it.  I like to meal plan and grocery shop, so I do that and get meals somewhat prepared in the morning.  Then, when Lolli gets home at 1 and I go to work, she cooks!  Thomas and Pops do maintenance outside...but not mowing.  Lolli has her own ZTR lawnmower and nobody touches that!  We've been told it'll never work, but we've never been the kind to listen to anyone else's opinion!  We wrote down exactly what we wanted in a home and everyone agreed to pray over it...and the Lord provided exactly what we asked for!  What we didn't expect...at all...was that our lives would TOTALLY change on February 20th.

The morning of February 20th, I woke up feeling a little sick to my stomach...nothing major.  But, after a couple weeks of night sweats I started thinking, but quickly dismissed the idea that I might be pregnant.  Thomas even joked about it and I told him NO WAY!  Then, without even thinking, I went to the bathroom and pulled out a pregnancy test that had probably expired 5 years before.  The weekend before we were on a couples' retreat with our church and some of the other sweet ladies were giving us a hard time that we were the next to get pregnant and we QUICKLY dismissed that idea (and laughed and laughed.)  So, when the test immediately came back positive, we were in complete shock.  COMPLETE shock.  We tried for so long to have another baby...doctors appointments, shots, invasive procedures and years of disappointment and heartache.  Now, after 9 wonderful (some difficult) months, Gideon Matthias Allen joined our family 4 weeks ago.  He was born September 25, 2017 at 1:07 pm after about 14 hours of labor.  He weighed in at a whopping 5lb 15oz and was 18.5 inches long.  Malachi was born weighing 5lb 13oz and was 18.75 inches long so they were almost identical!  Giddy, as we call him, is absolute perfection and looks JUST like his Daddy!!  So far, he is an INCREDIBLY easy baby.  Sleeps perfectly, eats great and is growing and gaining weight by the minute!  At 2 weeks, he had gained 11 oz and grown an inch in length!  We are praying that he has Marie's beautiful blue eyes so she has something to help her to belong.  She has always fixated on the fact that we all have green eyes and I prayed VERY specifically that Gideon would have her eyes!  We'll have to wait and see on that one!  Giddy is the missing piece that we didn't know we were even missing!!  But...that's it!  Done.  No more.  😥😳
 
Malachi is now 9 years old and is a complete mess!  He takes completely after me...which is not always a good thing!  😕  He is so incredibly smart and LOVES learning.  He makes my job as a teacher easy...as a teacher and MOM at the same time...sometimes that's a little challenging!  He's working his way through 4th grade and is killing it!  He loves History and Math and finds English incredibly boring!  Typical Boy!! 

Marie is 7 and is a doll!  She is a lot like her Daddy, which I find fascinating!  God really knew what he was doing when He gave her to us!  (As if we've ever had reason to doubt Him!)  She is an AMAZING artist and just a great kid!  She is in 2nd grade and doing great!  School doesn't come as easily to her, but she works HARD with a great attitude and that makes it SO much more rewarding when she succeeds!!  This year she has really started to bloom and I am so thankful that I get to sit beside her every day and witness her journey!

Thomas is working at our local college right now and, as always, the rock in our family!  We've been on a MAJOR adventure in the last 2 years and it has been a BLAST to ride the roller coaster with him!  This October 10 marked 19 years for us (dating...we've been married 13 years) and we talk all the time about how amazed we are with our life!!  God has been so incredibly good to us!