To Everything

Turn...Turn...Turn...

Are you singing now?  You're welcome.

A couple weeks ago, we had a Ladies Fellowship with the ladies in our church and it was such a wonderful time of sharing, loving on one another and connecting!  It was MARVELOUS to get out for an hour and a half and just be Jamie Allen again.  I wasn't taking care of a baby, shuffling kids around, teaching school or doing dishes, laundry or any one number of those "other duties as assigned" that you sign up for when you become a wife and mom!  We had a yummy lunch, played a fun game, praised our Lord, and then, we heard from our sweet Pastor's Wife.  She spoke about seasons.  The four seasons, and that each season prepares the earth for the next season.  Winter prepares the earth for Spring with snow that seeps deep down into the soil, coating those seeds lying dormant with life giving moisture so that just as the ground heats up, they can sprout forth life and abundance.  Spring showers come with winds that scatter seeds for new plants and trees bud and leaf out so that we can be shaded in the Summer!  Summer dries the earth and those buds that came out on the fruit trees in the Spring are ripened by the beautiful sunshine.  In Fall, there's pumpkins, and pumpkin spice...let's be real, that's the best part about Fall.  (Oh, and chunky sweaters and boots and preparation of our winter fat to keep us warm!  I'm looking at you Pumpkin Spice everything...and Thanksgiving!)  ***disclaimer*** None of this should be construed to be the case in the Texas Panhandle...we have had one season for the last 6 months, Warm, Dry and Windy.  ***end disclaimer***

As you can guess, though, she wasn't teaching about the virtues of the beautiful wonder of God's design for the earth.  She taught us, instead, on seasons of life.  Seasons of abundance, seasons of loss, seasons of BUSYNESS (ooh ooh ooh, me me), seasons of quiet, seasons of change.  She asked everyone what their favorite season of the year is, and we all had different answers.  I love Summer and Fall...others love Winter and still others Spring.  And when it comes to our lives, it's the same way.  Some LOVE the season of having lots of little ones under foot keeping them busy.  Those that love that season are an enigma to me.  They make it look SO EASY to have babies and raise a bunch of young kiddos.  You know the families I'm talking about...you may even BE one of those families.  If you are, just know I fully realize that how your life looks to me, may not be exactly how you feel.  NOTHING about raising babies is easy. 

That being said, there is a reason God chose not to structure our family that way.  I've never been one to shy away from sharing my struggles as a first time Mom with Malachi.  Then, when God gave us Marie through adoption, I joked (kind of) about God knowing I couldn't handle an 18 month old and a new baby.  That I really only had to go through the "baby" stage once and He knew what He was doing when he gave me my daughter fully potty trained!  My favorite season so far has been when my older two were old enough to go without naps...when we could pick up and go anywhere at a moment's notice.  That's why when the Lord chose to throw us back into the trenches of diapers and night feedings and best guesses on reasons for tears, it has been a huge adjustment.  And, admittedly, not my favorite season.  Now, before I go on, PLEASE DO NOT read that I am not completely in love or thankful for the miraculous gift that Gideon Matthias Allen is.  Although my husband wasn't completely there, I had gotten to the point in my life that I was totally happy with our 2 children and I was looking forward to big trips and exciting vacations.  Of course, there was always going to be the nagging "I wish I could've done it again..." feelings, but for the most part, I was able to stay in a state of thankfulness and contentment with our family structure!  But, this "baby" stage is just not one in which I feel like I flourish.  I get short-tempered when I don't get enough sleep. (duh...who doesn't?)  I cannot just let it "roll off my back" when Gideon NEEDS to learn to self soothe and be content without someone holding him.  That learning process for him is hard for me to endure.  (Malachi is struggling too...bless his sweet heart.  He is his momma!) 

Today, I left my older 2 at home to come to work.  Marie is still battling the flu and strep and I'm trying to keep Malachi from being exposed too much!  Gideon stays pretty isolated at daycare since he's not really old enough to get in the floor with the other babies.  On my way, my sweet husband texted and asked how my day was going.  I immediately responded, "stressful."  Anything remarkable?  No.  Just a busy morning of keeping 1 away from everyone else without going crazy. (seriously, she's the easiest child y'all)  She is doing a perfect job of staying in her own space and using hand sanitizer and wearing her mask when she gets up!  Then, trying to keep Gideon away and healthy and, and, and...It was in the midst of my conversation with my husband that Mrs. Denson's words came flooding back...this is just a season Mom.  It's my "winter."  It's hard.  Not nearly as hard as the season others are going through (which, upon remembrance, makes me feel like a complete jerk), but a hard season for ME.  My anxiety about keeping Gideon healthy and protected from this horrible flu outbreak has me completely on edge.  Last night, Thomas prayed with me as we were going to sleep...and his wisdom amazed me.  He prayed that the Lord would please help me to remember that I'm not in control...not in control of anything.  WHAT?!?  I've got this all together.  I'm holding everything together in this family.  I'm the glue.  I'm the one keeping schedules and feedings, and basketball and school, and, and, and, NOTHING.  I am nothing.  I keep nothing going.  The Lord allows me this opportunity, but HE is the one controlling it all.  He knows if we'll make it through this epidemic without Gideon getting it.  Of course I don't want ANY of my children getting sick, but for some reason, my 4 month old getting sick is keeping me up at night.  My hands are literally bleeding from washing them and using bleach to keep the house clean.  It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to kiss him...what if I'm sick and I just don't know it?  It's in these times that my logic disappears and I feel like I CAN control it.  And then, in those mistaken times, I begin sinking deeper and deeper into the waves...my eyes are off of my Savior where they should be.  All He wants is for me to keep my gaze on Him.  Matthew 6:26 says "Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?"  Every time I look out through our kitchen window, washing bottles for the umpteenth time, I see a bird pecking at the ground, or eating the cat's food and He reminds me...His eye is on the sparrow.  Birds aren't anxious, they know, instinctively, that all of their needs will be met.  There's no need for worry, their Creator has it under control.

So, as I continue in this Season...I wait for my Creator to use this season to prepare me for the next.  And, I remember to thank Him for the seasons I've come through which have prepared me for the one I'm in now.  And, I remember, to thank Him for seasons and enduring grace...unending grace...marvelous, wonderful, undeserved grace.