We have a WHAT?

We have an 8 month old baby...that's right.  We just celebrated our 14th anniversary and my husband's 36th birthday, and we have an 8 month old.  And no, we still can't believe it. 

The last 8 months have just flown.  I know it goes fast...this is not my first rodeo.  But, 8 months?  It seems like just yesterday we were in disbelief that we were pregnant.  Now, here he is...all 20 pounds of him.  Gideon Matthias has been an absolute joy.  He is one of the happiest babies, most of the time.  The only time he's been sick has been ear infection related, and although that wasn't fun by ANY stretch, it's easily treated!  We've definitely gotten through the hardest part of infancy relatively unscathed!  He's in 12-18 month clothes and is OH SO CLOSE to crawling.  The only problem is that he lives with 4 adults and 2 older siblings who just really don't enjoy listening to him fuss because he wants to get somewhere.  So, his fussing is pretty short lived and Malachi and Marie typically just give him what he wants!  Yes, I'm totally falling into the trap of "this is my last" and probably not working as hard as I should at getting him to be mobile...but I won't apologize for it!  At his 6 month checkup, I asked our wonderful pediatrician about him sleeping through the night and, through a smile (and I'm pretty sure I heard a giggle), he encouraged me that about 3 months prior he was okay!  I felt so dumb!!  Malachi was NOT a big baby, and Gideon IS...so I had no idea whether or not he NEEDED those calories!  2 hard nights and he is sleeping perfectly now!!  He's in our room with us - not ideal, but it is what it is - so when he wakes up, we have to just be still and quiet and he'll generally put himself back to sleep!  He's got 2 teeth now and is eating some table food.  He's a GREAT eater (obvs) and is the center of our family's world at the moment!  Such a blessing and a joy to have him in our life!

Malachi is doing wonderfully well!!  He's growing up right before my eyes.  He's only a couple inches shorter than me and is a tremendous big brother.  We've got some maturing left to do, for sure, and that hasn't come without pain.  But, I get nothing but compliments on his attitude at church.  He's finished 4th grade and will be starting 5th grade in the fall!!  This year he has mastered multiplication and is doing great with long division.  He'll be starting fractions in math next year...EEEEEEKKKK.  (This is where mama gets nervous about homeschooling!)  He's also doing perfectly with his cursive skills and has pretty well figured out simple parts of speech!  A couple months ago we began piano lessons with our awesome music minister and he's really picking it up quickly.  He's always had a knack for music, but he's really talented.  I can't wait to see where this takes him!

Selah Marie is just a joy.  She is the easiest child most of the time.  And when it's not easy, it's still not hard.  She is ALWAYS willing to help, to be there, to do whatever she can for me.  She always asks what she can do.  She is the most fun to watch with Gideon and loves to make him laugh!!  In most ways, she's an 18 year old young lady trapped in an 8 year old's body.  She has more compassion and love in her little finger than most do in their whole body!  This year she really picked up (and caught up for the most part) on her reading, which is a huge triumph!  She excels at most things in math, it just takes her a bit more time to pick up on it.  But, once she does, she's off!  Her cursive is beautiful and she is incredibly artistically talented.  (um...help please!) 

Both of the older 2 are going to church camp at the end of July with their sweet cousin, Kadi Jo and about 40 other juniors from our church!!  A couple brave families are going with the juniors and I'm so thankful for their willingness.  You know who you are and we thank you!!  Because two of the three will be out of town, my parents have agreed to watch Gideon for 4 days and allow Thomas and I to go away.  Interestingly, we are going to be vacationing about 45 minutes away from the junior camp.  We're considering crashing one night, but I think we're just going to concentrate on the two of us those days!  We can't wait to spend some time catching up and eating dinner together...like, at the same time! We have a tremendous amount of help - more than most for sure!  I mean, we live with my parents...so we couldn't really have it any easier!  But, it's still life with an 8 month old, ya know? 

This year we celebrate 20  years of being "together" and have been reflecting a lot about where God has taken us throughout the last 20 years!  We've learned so many hard lessons...we've loved, we've struggled, we've forgiven, we've worked, we've laughed, we've cried, we've mourned, we've rejoiced.  Through it all (most of it, anyway), we've tried to follow the Lord and we know He's the Giver of all good things!

In a week, we'll be hosting the teen girls from our church at our home for a game night and I've been asked to give a devotion.  5 years ago, I spoke to the teen girls on waiting for the Lord.  We had one child.  Now, I'm on the other side of that wait, and my 8 year old daughter just walked past my door and waved at me and my 8 month old is being rocked to sleep in our nursery.  I can't wait to delve into my Bible and put into words everything my God has done for me! 

Perfect Peace

So, today was hard.  What started out as a great day, with a happy baby, 2 older kiddos with great attitudes and a decent hair day (ha), ended up with me in tears, more than once.  Again, just like last time, nothing was out of the ordinary.  I just found myself completely overwhelmed with the slightest of issues.  I made it through my day, holding onto the hope of a fun evening with several ladies from my church.

We met for dinner at a local Mexican restaurant and I hardly touched my food.  My weight isn't where I want it to be...and I keep telling myself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.  Obviously whoever coined that phrase never ate good ol' Tex Mex chips and hot sauce. I sat with 15 or so wonderful Christian women, many of whom are in my stage of life.  Young kiddos at home with our wonderful hubbies.  We talked about pregnancy and babies and illness...among other fun topics.  But, the whole time, my mind was racing about all of the illnesses going around and whether or not Gideon was ok.  The flu, RSV, Strep.  It's everywhere.  We've had it here with one kiddo and have worked SO hard to keep it from spreading.  And now, it's become my obsession.  I confided in those sweet ladies the struggles I'm having with my anxiety and my nearly debilitating fear that Gideon is going to get sick.  They listened and laughed with me as I argued it out with myself and they encouraged me.  One sent me a text soon after I arrived back home telling me that she was going to pray for me to give this burden to the Lord. 

When I arrived back home, my anxiety was through the roof.  I just want Gideon to be healthy...but in my quest to keep him healthy, I'm trying to control everything about his environment.  My older two NEED me in the mornings for school.  They need me to be able to concentrate on them and help them learn without the struggle of trying to care for a 4 month old.  Lots of mommies homeschool with babies...but I have to do it in no more than 4 hours a day because I work every day from 1-6 so it's a really difficult balancing act.  I have the incredible luxury of being able to send Gideon to daycare when I need to.  And I can do that without charge (because I work there...but more because my Mom owns it...haha).  But I'm struggling  because of all the sickness going around. Our daycare is cleaner than any home around and tonight, before I left, one of our amazing nursery workers told me that she prayed over the room and cribs and for each baby before she locked up for the night.  Yet, for some reason, I'm still holding onto this fear.  This "big ugly monster" as my husband called it tonight.  I shared in my last blog that my focus doesn't stay where it should.  But, tonight, I came home and wrote in my journal...got it all out.  My journal is my letter to the Lord.  It contains letters to God with my deepest thoughts and struggles...and tonight, it was full of burdens and struggles confessed. 

"I am terrified that Gideon is going to get the flu or RSV.  It is giving me such anxiety and I don't know how to get away from it except to pray and beg YOU to take it.  I know I need to let go and trust that he'll be OK...I just can't reconcile anything in my mind.  My mind is not focused on you - my thoughts are completely jumbled - Satan knows exactly where to hit me, and I am making it easy for him.  If my mind was stayed on YOU, YOU would give me peace.  Please tell me exactly what to do with Gideon.  Give me direction - give me peace.  Help me know if I am making a decision based on fear or reality.  Clear my thoughts!!  Heal my heart and my mind - keep my focus on you.  Lord, help me to know when it's you talking to me.  Please forgive me, Lord." I even wrote out Isaiah 26:3 - "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee.

So, I wrote it all out.  Then, I opened my Jesus Calling to February 5.  And here's what it says:
"Seek my face, and you will find not only My Presence but also My Peace.  To receive My Peace, you must change your grasping, controlling stance to one of openness and trust.  The only thing you can grasp without damaging your soul is My hand.  Ask My Spirit within you to order your day and control your thoughts, for the mind controlled by the Spirit is Life and Peace.  You can have as much of Me and My Peace as you want, through thousands of correct choices each day.  The most persistent choice you face is whether to trust Me or to worry.  You will never run out of things to worry about, but you can choose to trust Me no matter what.  I am an ever-present help in trouble.  Trust Me, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea."

5 minutes before reading this devotion, I was crying, begging God to speak to me.  Help me to know if it's better to send Gideon to daycare so that I can be the mother and teacher I need to be in the mornings - or if it's better to keep him home and protect him (from everything bad, you know, because I can control it all...ugh)  I couldn't figure out what was reality...what was fear...what was true...what was false.  And God knew, when the author of Jesus Calling was writing the book, that I would be sitting here, 9:45pm on Monday, February 5, 2018, needing to read the words she wrote for just this day.  He answered...as fearful as I am of letting Gideon go, out of my control, out of my protective grasp...He just wants me to trust Him with Gideon and his health.  He just wants me to grasp HIS hand, instead of trying to manipulate every situation into what I think is good.  As soon as I finished reading it...I cried again and showed it all to my husband.  Why is it that I have a God that cares THIS MUCH for me?  I lose focus...my gaze drifts...and when I ask Him to talk to me and help me KNOW it's Him...He answers IMMEDIATELY.  I cannot get over why God loves me.  Why does He care enough to answer so swiftly and clearly and perfectly and address EVERY concern through a couple of seemingly simple paragraphs in a devotional?  Seriously...everything I wrote about, He addressed.  As one of my sweet friends sang yesterday (the same that sent the text tonight) - sometimes He whispers...and that's all the confirmation I need that He's still here...He's still on the throne...He's still ruling and reigning...He's still in control.  For the first time in WEEKS, I can go to sleep peacefully knowing that My God never does.  He's watching and protecting and keeping me and He loves my babies more than I ever could.  And so, the big, bad, ugly sickness monster isn't so big and bad and scary anymore.  My focus has been shifted back to where it should've been all along, just because I asked it of the Lord.   

Alas and did my Savior bleed
And did my Sovereign die?
Would He devote that sacred head
For such a WORM as I?

At the cross, at the cross, where I first saw the light
And the burden of my heart rolled away,
It was there by faith I received my sight,
And now, I am happy all the day!

Was it for crimes that I had done
He groaned upon the tree?
Amazing pity!  Grace Unkonw!
And love beyond degree!

But drops of grief can ne'er repay
The debt of love I owe
Here, Lord, I give myself away
 'Tis all that I can do.

To Everything

Turn...Turn...Turn...

Are you singing now?  You're welcome.

A couple weeks ago, we had a Ladies Fellowship with the ladies in our church and it was such a wonderful time of sharing, loving on one another and connecting!  It was MARVELOUS to get out for an hour and a half and just be Jamie Allen again.  I wasn't taking care of a baby, shuffling kids around, teaching school or doing dishes, laundry or any one number of those "other duties as assigned" that you sign up for when you become a wife and mom!  We had a yummy lunch, played a fun game, praised our Lord, and then, we heard from our sweet Pastor's Wife.  She spoke about seasons.  The four seasons, and that each season prepares the earth for the next season.  Winter prepares the earth for Spring with snow that seeps deep down into the soil, coating those seeds lying dormant with life giving moisture so that just as the ground heats up, they can sprout forth life and abundance.  Spring showers come with winds that scatter seeds for new plants and trees bud and leaf out so that we can be shaded in the Summer!  Summer dries the earth and those buds that came out on the fruit trees in the Spring are ripened by the beautiful sunshine.  In Fall, there's pumpkins, and pumpkin spice...let's be real, that's the best part about Fall.  (Oh, and chunky sweaters and boots and preparation of our winter fat to keep us warm!  I'm looking at you Pumpkin Spice everything...and Thanksgiving!)  ***disclaimer*** None of this should be construed to be the case in the Texas Panhandle...we have had one season for the last 6 months, Warm, Dry and Windy.  ***end disclaimer***

As you can guess, though, she wasn't teaching about the virtues of the beautiful wonder of God's design for the earth.  She taught us, instead, on seasons of life.  Seasons of abundance, seasons of loss, seasons of BUSYNESS (ooh ooh ooh, me me), seasons of quiet, seasons of change.  She asked everyone what their favorite season of the year is, and we all had different answers.  I love Summer and Fall...others love Winter and still others Spring.  And when it comes to our lives, it's the same way.  Some LOVE the season of having lots of little ones under foot keeping them busy.  Those that love that season are an enigma to me.  They make it look SO EASY to have babies and raise a bunch of young kiddos.  You know the families I'm talking about...you may even BE one of those families.  If you are, just know I fully realize that how your life looks to me, may not be exactly how you feel.  NOTHING about raising babies is easy. 

That being said, there is a reason God chose not to structure our family that way.  I've never been one to shy away from sharing my struggles as a first time Mom with Malachi.  Then, when God gave us Marie through adoption, I joked (kind of) about God knowing I couldn't handle an 18 month old and a new baby.  That I really only had to go through the "baby" stage once and He knew what He was doing when he gave me my daughter fully potty trained!  My favorite season so far has been when my older two were old enough to go without naps...when we could pick up and go anywhere at a moment's notice.  That's why when the Lord chose to throw us back into the trenches of diapers and night feedings and best guesses on reasons for tears, it has been a huge adjustment.  And, admittedly, not my favorite season.  Now, before I go on, PLEASE DO NOT read that I am not completely in love or thankful for the miraculous gift that Gideon Matthias Allen is.  Although my husband wasn't completely there, I had gotten to the point in my life that I was totally happy with our 2 children and I was looking forward to big trips and exciting vacations.  Of course, there was always going to be the nagging "I wish I could've done it again..." feelings, but for the most part, I was able to stay in a state of thankfulness and contentment with our family structure!  But, this "baby" stage is just not one in which I feel like I flourish.  I get short-tempered when I don't get enough sleep. (duh...who doesn't?)  I cannot just let it "roll off my back" when Gideon NEEDS to learn to self soothe and be content without someone holding him.  That learning process for him is hard for me to endure.  (Malachi is struggling too...bless his sweet heart.  He is his momma!) 

Today, I left my older 2 at home to come to work.  Marie is still battling the flu and strep and I'm trying to keep Malachi from being exposed too much!  Gideon stays pretty isolated at daycare since he's not really old enough to get in the floor with the other babies.  On my way, my sweet husband texted and asked how my day was going.  I immediately responded, "stressful."  Anything remarkable?  No.  Just a busy morning of keeping 1 away from everyone else without going crazy. (seriously, she's the easiest child y'all)  She is doing a perfect job of staying in her own space and using hand sanitizer and wearing her mask when she gets up!  Then, trying to keep Gideon away and healthy and, and, and...It was in the midst of my conversation with my husband that Mrs. Denson's words came flooding back...this is just a season Mom.  It's my "winter."  It's hard.  Not nearly as hard as the season others are going through (which, upon remembrance, makes me feel like a complete jerk), but a hard season for ME.  My anxiety about keeping Gideon healthy and protected from this horrible flu outbreak has me completely on edge.  Last night, Thomas prayed with me as we were going to sleep...and his wisdom amazed me.  He prayed that the Lord would please help me to remember that I'm not in control...not in control of anything.  WHAT?!?  I've got this all together.  I'm holding everything together in this family.  I'm the glue.  I'm the one keeping schedules and feedings, and basketball and school, and, and, and, NOTHING.  I am nothing.  I keep nothing going.  The Lord allows me this opportunity, but HE is the one controlling it all.  He knows if we'll make it through this epidemic without Gideon getting it.  Of course I don't want ANY of my children getting sick, but for some reason, my 4 month old getting sick is keeping me up at night.  My hands are literally bleeding from washing them and using bleach to keep the house clean.  It's gotten to the point that I'm afraid to kiss him...what if I'm sick and I just don't know it?  It's in these times that my logic disappears and I feel like I CAN control it.  And then, in those mistaken times, I begin sinking deeper and deeper into the waves...my eyes are off of my Savior where they should be.  All He wants is for me to keep my gaze on Him.  Matthew 6:26 says "Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?"  Every time I look out through our kitchen window, washing bottles for the umpteenth time, I see a bird pecking at the ground, or eating the cat's food and He reminds me...His eye is on the sparrow.  Birds aren't anxious, they know, instinctively, that all of their needs will be met.  There's no need for worry, their Creator has it under control.

So, as I continue in this Season...I wait for my Creator to use this season to prepare me for the next.  And, I remember to thank Him for the seasons I've come through which have prepared me for the one I'm in now.  And, I remember, to thank Him for seasons and enduring grace...unending grace...marvelous, wonderful, undeserved grace.