Because Everyone Asks...

When you're big fat pregnant, you know, once it becomes obvious that you didn't just eat a few too many tacos, people notice.  Your belly enters the room before you do...and, if you're anything like me, you love it.  You're thankful, so thankful, for the amazing miracle growing inside you.  You savor every hiccup, kick, punch and roll.  Yes, you get tired of having to sleep with 19 pillows and 73 trips to the bathroom each night.  (I jest...but not really)  People ask how you are and, after the sickness has subsided (somewhat), you answer that you're doing well...eventually you answer that you're ready to hold your baby, but that you're doing well.  It may not even be true, but typically you say it anyway.  Then you get to meet the sweet new soul with whom God has entrusted you and all just seems right with the world.  At least sometimes that's the case.  With Malachi, that was totally NOT the case with me.  I was an absolute BAS.KET.CASE.  I was scared to death, and it totally translated into Malachi's temperament.  When we found out Gideon was coming, I had immediate peace.  I knew this time would be different.  After all, I'm 10 years older and have worked at our family daycare for the last 3 years.  I've learned babies...I've done it before!  Once you start venturing out, again, you're met with "How's the baby?" quickly followed by "How are YOU?"  And again, you answer that you're doing well, in spite of the lack of sleep and trying to adjust.

For me, this recovery has been SO much easier than it was with Malachi.  Physically I felt better much sooner this time around.  Mentally and emotionally, my first few weeks have been wonderful.  But now, the adrenaline is gone and we've started to settle into our new normal.  And, you know what, I'm OK...but not without struggles.  I've joked about having a baby at my age, but in reality 35 isn't too old to have a baby.  It's older than we ever thought we would be, but it's NOT OLD.  My struggles are not all age related, however.  I can't fit into any of my clothes.  Totally petty, I get it.  It's going to take time, I get it.  And it's really screwing with my head.  I LOVE my hair, but not right now.  It's dry and won't hold curl.  (Anyone that knows me knows I'm addicted to my curling iron/hot rollers.)  I just don't love it right now.  Please don't compliment me/tell me I look fine...I'm not looking for compliments, I'm just being real about post-pregnancy. 

I cannot keep a straight thought in my head to save my life.  I try to carry on and participate in conversations and JUST CAN'T.  I am constantly apologizing or pausing while I'm talking because I can't put a coherent thought together.  I normally like to consider myself fairly quick-witted...it's gone.  I can't remember names.  (Not a good thing while trying to say goodbye to 60+ children at the end of each day)  I can't remember dates.  I.CAN'T.REMEMBER.WORDS Y'ALL.  JUST WORDS. If anything is going to depress me, that's it.  (I have visited with my endocrinologist about it.  Unfortunately, brain fog is one of the biggest indicators of a thyroid imbalance.  We are slowly adjusting my thyroid medication...it's just going to be a slow process.) 

The worst is that while trying to figure out a new schedule for having a baby, homeschooling, trying to keep our house from becoming a disaster zone and showering somewhere in there...I've put my relationship with Christ on the back burner.  I like to get up first thing in the morning and read Jesus Calling, read my Bible and write my prayers.  That's been really hard.  There are mornings that the baby has been fed in time to get up and have my quiet time PLUS get in the shower while other adults are home to help...but I haven't been disciplined enough to get all of that done and make my spiritual life a priority.  (My parents and sweet hubby are all wonderful to feed and hold Giddy...so it's NOT all on me by ANY means!)  It's one of those things that you don't realize the effects of letting go of until it's gotten rough.  I think it's probably "normal" but that's not an excuse for me.  This morning, I was in a hard place and finally stopped what I was doing and put my face down and tried to pray...only there were no words.  It was in those sweet moments that my heart (and eyes) cried out to Jesus, our Intercessor, begging Him to hear the words that only my heart could speak.  I'm thankful that He heard the apology I couldn't utter and the gratefulness for ALL of the incredible blessings I have.  All I could manage to utter was the name of Jesus...and I know that He heard everything I wasn't saying.  Later in the morning I had a few minutes while sitting in a doctor's waiting room and I had purposely taken my Bible and Journal.  Finally I was able to write out what I couldn't say earlier in the morning.  I told my Lord first how sorry I was that I had neglected my relationship with Him.  I thanked Him for how longsuffering He is with me.  I thanked him again for ALL of my blessings.  I asked Him to please draw near to me.  And, you know what?  He did.  As He always does. 

I guess I just felt the need to write to work through MY feelings, but also to encourage anyone else that may relate to what I'm going through.  You don't have to have a new baby to go through a spiritual battle, though.  These times come and go in the life of every believer I think.  Times that we walk away from Jesus.  If I feel distant from God, it's not because He's moved...He's unmovable.  James 4:8 says "Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.  Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded."  That's what I had to do this morning...I had to cleanse my hands and purify my heart.  My mind has been trying to focus on too many things, instead of focusing on my Lord.  I drew nigh to Him...and immediately, I felt his loving presence back in my heart.  I've slowly been pouring out into others in my life without replenishing my own heart with God's sustaining grace.  Now, I'm beginning to feel like my cup is filling again. 

I'm so very thankful for where my life is right now.  My parents have been so incredibly helpful in every aspect of my life.  Keeping the laundry going...taking care of the animals...taking care of my kids...Not the least of which includes my Mom keeping Giddy every afternoon.  My sweet Sister, Kelly, has been picking up the slack at work when I'm coming in late or when I'm just not mentally present!!  I don't know how I would survive working without her.  I do owe her...although, she did just almost die from a major surgery and I've supported her through that ordeal.  (I jest again...sort of)  My husband has definitely borne the brunt of my emotional instability...and he continues to tell me that he's here for me, that he loves me, that he forgives me.  I don't deserve him. 

I don't deserve any of the good things in my life...but the Lord gives them to me anyway.